There are days that all I want to do is work, work, and work some more, because frankly, all I really want to do is be busy, and stay busy and not really deal with the woes of my mind, my heart (well maybe not my heart, because it’s a party and then some with my Thar), and surroundings. The surrounding woes my mind, and that brings me down, like a house of cards. Today wasn’t such a day, and my mind is constantly being weighed down by all the thoughts that run through my head, where I have come to point I can’t speak. I simply cannot put a sentence together, because the voices in my head (I have 7 and they have names – Pav (the dominant personality), Portia, Piper, Page, Penelope, Prudence and Phoebe) are always speaking to each other, either ranting, conversing or simply consoling (which seem to be occurring more and more as of late). Anyways, whatever it is, it has affected me to the point where I zip and go on lock-down, and if I am in company, all I can do is listen (pretend or try extremely hard to listen (because let’s face it, when you’re listening to 7 voices in your head, do you really thing and 8th or even 9th voice coming through my ear drums will get past? I didn’t think so!)). I spaced out a few times during social gatherings and this is normally with my Thar’s friends because it normally happens in the nights. At most of the time, I really do try to listen but like I said, as of late, something has taken over me and I just can’t seem to figure out why it’s affecting my vocal cords, my thinking processes and why when I do open my mouth to say something, a)my speech dyslexia makes a comeback b)my pronunciation ends up being butchered and c) my vocabulary has gone on hiatus. It’s not pretty and I don’t enjoy it, because I am at times a perfectionist (and stubborn to boot) and when things don’t go my way or something hasn’t been done in the proper way, I sometimes get royally annoyed (even if it is with myself – yes, I am too hard on myself, but do people ever learn unless they are hard on themselves?).
Is it wrong to want to be assertive, to stop people walking all over me and leaving me a mess on the floor? I don’t think so.
Last year taught me many things; one was that if someone in your life takes what you are and turns you into something that makes you doubt yourself, then that said person isn’t worth the trouble nor the effort. If they continuously blame you for their misgivings, and how they can’t overcome their own issues but would rather point fingers into your direction and tear into who you are, then it’s definitely not worth it. I learnt it the hard way, and I learnt it good.
Last year I said goodbye to many people, two friends who are now in heaven and some who still walk the earth. The latter I had to bid them goodbye because it was harder and harder to have conversations with them, let alone get a word in sideways. So I let go, I cut ties and I moved on. Some I didn’t give fair warning but merely a few words that said ‘I can’t handle this‘ and some I just chose the ‘ignorance is bliss‘ route. Does that make me a bad person to for at least once in my life crave some self-preservation, then so be it.
Last year, I chose myself, and frankly I’m not really sorry. But having said that, I should also give thanks for those who were part of my life and leading me into who I am now, otherwise I wouldn’t have learnt so many lessons in life. Without them I don’t think I would have been pushed to say “No, no more, this has to stop“. Do I miss the people who I let go? Maybe a little. I suppose I miss the good times, but when the sour surpasses the sweet, I’d rather turn away than experience the bitterness of what I went through. But thank you, for making me not want to reach out more than I used to. I now know that kindness isn’t always something that people take too kindly to as some resort to abuse it and take it for granted and is often misunderstood for its intentions. With that experience I drew closer to the people who supported me without wanting to slit my wrists, and I’m happy, with the little piece of mind I have. Isn’t that what people anyway want, a little piece of mind. It’s not too much to ask for is it?
Last year, is so … yesteryear and I’m looking for the eerie silence after a tyrannous storm.
I’m an accident waiting to happen…
I’m a bomb waiting to go off…
I’m a flower waiting to bloom…
I’m a babe waiting to be born…
…. for you to come around…
Those who know me, know that I’m not overly religious. I follow the Buddhist philosophy, and I stick to the principles identified within that framework, with a vengeance at times. This, however, also leaves me in a bit of disarray, as Buddhism being a philosophy turned religion (in the minds of the people (that is, followers, practitioners, inter alia), it has evolved from a mere way of life to what I would call a business (because save for a few religious heads, it is JUST that).
One thing that always happens around religious times and when I visit temple, is where I get extremely puzzled on my life and how it has turned out to be. See my life hasn’t been a bed of roses or a walk in the park to say the least, and along the way, this person who used to breathe Buddhism as a religion and follow it quite well (because that was I was brought up that way by my grandparents, despite the Christian learnings I’ve had to partake in whilst I was abroad), I stuck to my guns and I was religious. When I used to give thanks at the table and my mother wanted me to be more Buddhist, I did so without being asked twice (though I was confused as my Catholic cousins would carry onto). Now, I was always a curious child and every questioning (which was often reciprocated with a yell of frustration or smack (cos I tend to ask the darndest things ya know?)). Anyways, when it came to matter of religious following, I didn’t question my mother on it, but did as I was told. BUT, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t confused about the dynamics of it all.
How’s it been? Long time, no see. Sadly, it is my fault, and well I apologise, profusely. Once training is over along with my exams, I shall surface on a more regular routine, and maybe even complete the 20 something drafts just lying around. Yes, more for that I say.
Now let’s see, what’s been happening?
So, I went to watch 2012, again last Friday. I paid more attention than last, and oh boy did I pay attention. Also, I discovered that the first time around, we had missed out at least 5-10 minutes of the movie. Savoy had the longest queue that day. Sad really. We sat in the middle section, first row too. And did we giggle. PseudoRandom and I did for sure *winks at PR*.
Apart from the world coming to an end, and signs that said “Repent, the end is nigh” – which I do believe. I strongly believe that 2012 is a possibility. Will we have super cool arks which are supported by not-so-sturdy locks, well I don’t think so. Will we all die because we can’t afford the €1,000,000,000 ticket prices? I don’t think so, but if it comes to that let’s hope that temporary inflation occurs and we would indeed be able to afford it. I know, I’m making a mockery out of our monetary system, I think we should, it’s mockful!
INVADERS. IN MY ROOM. I HAVE BEEN EXILED FROM MY ROOM. DAMN INVADERS! Taking away my window frames, and now my ROOM. My Empire is lost. To SAW DUST! But, behold the secret plans for the rebellion – here! *insert evil laugh*.
I’ve been relocated to the Green Room. Green, Apple Green for that matter. So simple, so pastel, so close to the gate and the road. I was fine at the back-end of the house. All I could hear were the dogs and the cats barking and meowing. More cats than dogs, and these cats, they fought like cats and dogs. You’d think being from the same species they’d have some sort of civility, but oh no, they gotta bring the house down. Well my roof anyway, in the middle of the night, or morning (that’s when I fall asleep). All I hear now is the gate opening. Mind you, that gate creaks, no shrieks when opened. It’s so LOUD. But it gives me a viewpoint of the lane, but I can’t be bothered getting up from my bed to become a busy body. I’m fine watching my TV show marathons. But seriously, some people do sleep you know, when they eventually fall into La La Land. But, I miss my Purple Room. It’s darkness, its shelter. I miss my pillow fortress. I miss my bed too. Poor bed, it hasn’t had my warmth. I wonder how it’s doing, saw dust and all. * wipes away tear* I’ll be back soon Purples.
So, it’s Friday. Wait, no it’s not! It’s Thursday. I wish it was Friday though. I don’t know why though. Maybe then I could say “Thank God It’s Friday”, like all you employed folks, but I wouldn’t have any incentive to say it because, I am indeed unemployed. Yep, at home, dirt poor, while cob webs are being spun by darn spiders (Sorry Maks – I don’t mean you,I absolutely adore you) in my bank account.
BUT, never-mind that. By next week I’ll be up and running. If anyone has seen the video of me literally bouncing off the walls of my university, then you’ll know how hyperactive I can get. At such times, padded rooms are a definite plus, too bad I’m still mentally sound enough to actually be bouncing off brick walls.
Aaaaah employment. I’ve never been a person who could stay still. Though unemployment came to me by a forced decision (due to my illness) and since the 8 doctors who’ve tried helping me can’t really help me, I’ve decided to go back to being a vegetarian, in hope that the stomach will appreciate all the sacrifices I’ve made. But I’m not giving up my coffee addiction, no sir. =) I need it, I cannot be me with out it. It brings out the essence of yours truly, whatever that may be.
However, sadly I think I might be developing a resistance to coffee, at least it’s effects. I guess I should move up to Black Coffee from just Milk Coffee. Cause you see, with all the medication I’ve taken, I think I’ve developed a threshold for substance abuse. Medications are some form of drug substance, thus I’m calling it that. Oh well, when that happens, I’m just going to turn it up a notch. *Cue the evil laughter, Coughs*
I feel rather disconnected from everything. Maybe it’s the effects of re-entering vegetarianism again, but who cares yeah? Catchya later folks. Happy Thai Pongal!
I don’t know, but for some reason, I’m extremely blue today.
I have no one that’s mine to call my own, a lover, someone who’ll put me to sleep, tell me they love me, so that when I wake up the next day, I’ll rise with a smile, and await their sweet voice.
I have no job to keep me busy, no job security, no income and therefore no freedom, no independence, and ultimately no standing in my family, in society, in myself.
I have my education, but one that is missing a lot. At least I have that.Then again, I don’t believe I’m giving it my all.
My relationship with the family is harried, I really don’t enjoy being confined within these walls, all I want to do is scream and run away. I would if I could.
I think to be in love, but only that which is unrequited or in this case unknown to the person I seem to be falling for, madly. Such is my luck, ever bare.
I wish, this New Years, that my life would turn around and be better for me, bring me joy, bring me some sort of hope, because day by day, I feel lost, numb, gone. I feel like I’m fading into nothing and no one can stop me, no one can save me, and in turn it scares me. It does, I have never been this scared of anything in my life, and here I am unable to take a step forward because I don’t know what it’ll hold. I want to be safe, reassured and therefore complacent of what is already in my life, but then I look at my life and I see nothing. Nothing that would render it useful, fulfilling, and meaningful.
The only thing that binds me to his life, to some form of happiness is my dear friends, and I am thankful for them. However, they will also be gone in the near future, leaving me as bare as I feel now, just more completely. I am only being realistic, life is such, but deep down I hope that it will never happen.
And therefore I’m scared. Extremely, inexplicably. I don’t know what I can do about it though. Right now I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of. But eventually, like I have been trying in the last few weeks, I seem to be crawling out of this hole that I’ve fallen into, and I hope by the turn of the year, I will indeed have surfaced onto the crust and bid adieu to the pit that’s honed me for the last few months.