Amongst the Thorns, She Fights!

Posts tagged “sadness

One of those days

There are days that all I want to do is work, work, and work some more, because frankly, all I really want to do is be busy, and stay busy and not really deal with the woes of my mind, my heart (well maybe not my heart, because it’s a party and then some with my Thar), and surroundings. The surrounding woes my mind, and that brings me down, like a house of cards. Today wasn’t such a day, and my mind is constantly being weighed down by all the thoughts that run through my head, where I have come to point I can’t speak. I simply cannot put a sentence together, because the voices in my head (I have 7 and they have names – Pav (the dominant personality), Portia, Piper, Page, Penelope, Prudence and Phoebe) are always speaking to each other, either ranting, conversing or simply consoling (which seem to be occurring more and more as of late).  Anyways, whatever it is, it has affected me to the point where I zip and go on lock-down, and if I am in company, all I can do is listen (pretend or try extremely hard to listen (because let’s face it, when you’re listening to 7 voices in your head, do you really thing and 8th or even 9th voice coming through my ear drums will get past? I didn’t think so!)). I spaced out a few times during social gatherings and this is normally with my Thar’s friends because it normally happens in the nights. At most of the time, I really do try to listen but like I said, as of late, something has taken over me and I just can’t seem to figure out why it’s affecting my vocal cords, my thinking processes and why when I do open my mouth to say something, a)my speech dyslexia makes a comeback b)my pronunciation ends up being butchered and c) my vocabulary has gone on hiatus. It’s not pretty and I don’t enjoy it, because I am at times a perfectionist (and stubborn to boot) and when things don’t go my way or something hasn’t been done in the proper way, I sometimes get royally annoyed (even if it is with myself – yes, I am too hard on myself, but do people ever learn unless they are hard on themselves?).

 

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Rendezvous

This I dedicate to The Unsilent.  He continues to be one hell of a great friend and has touched my life in many ways. This is for you.

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Droplets of water fell heavier onto the earth from the clouds above. The more it rained the more the night grew darker, longer and more silent. They made their way home, to her house in the downpour. Sadly, the rain didn’t aid her in her state of confusion and his of silence. There, they sat, in their predefined places of seating, she on the left, and he on the right. Her hands lay on her lap and while his right hand was on the wheel and the other had made its permanent abode for the journey on the gear shift. He always preferred it that way, and she didn’t mind it. She had always found his form of driving exciting, there was something quite enthralling about it.

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Coffee. I love you.

I lie awake, minutes after midnight, pondering on thoughts that are really not meant to be thought about at this time of the night. The reason being that my body has not only begun its process of shutting itself down by the second, but also because that the lack of sleep would cause me to think erratically bringing me more hurt than good. But this is a common thing in my life.  

As a dedicated insomniac, this pattern of sleep doesn’t bring me any comfort or peace of mind, on the contrary. I lie awake till the next day and the one after that, or if I’m really lucky, I would sleep out of exhaustion or self annihilation. The sleeping out of exhaustion normally happens after a couple of days of thorough insomniaty. I’m pretty sure I made that word up. “Insomniaty”. I define it to be the state of insomnia. Self-annihilation is something I don’t want to feel, ever! It’s when I go “Kaboom”.

Anyways, as I ponder on these thoughts of insomnia, I always see a direct connection to the days and nights, where I have waited for merciful sleep and not gotten any. No, not “getting any” in that way, I meant in the form of getting any sleep. I would directly correlate this to my coffee addiction. Normally coffee would keep me chirpy and up. But as of late, I haven’t drunk much coffee, which really sucks in my life, because coffee really makes me happy, along with making me smell like coffee beans. It’s a good smell, trust me. I like smelling of coffee, because not only is this world infested with coffee addicts, but also it reminds me of the happiness my coffee brings. When my coffee isn’t there, my happiness dies away. This is sad, still, because I haven’t gotten any of that too. I’m not getting any in any way. I’m unlucky like that. Anyways, my life has been kinda shitty in the last month or so. This correlates to the time I went off my coffee bean addiction.

So, let’s count backwards. I haven’t been happy. Nor have I had any coffee. But also I haven’t had any good night sleep (come coffee or not) nor have I been chirpy. But, if I had coffee I would have been chirpy, and I would have eventually gotten some sleep out of exhaustion, and I would have still been happy, in some form. But since I haven’t, I am not so happy.

This defines doom really. See, being a Happy Insomniac is better than being a Sad Insomniac. So, I concur, even if you are a coffee addict who suffers from Insomnia, Coffee is your friend, let it love you. Shunning it out of your life because Caffeine is a bad man doesn’t do you any good. Sure, your mother warned you about guys like Mr. Caffeine Man. But really, when did your mother have a say in your love life anyway? So, love all around, when the Caffeine Man is in town.

So, Drink Coffee! It will get your mind focused, your work done, expand your nights into many a hour, keep you running like you’ve got jet fuelled pumped into you, but most importantly, you’ll be chirpier than a chipper bird on crack. 🙂 Enjoy your coffee people. It’s here to stay. And, it tastes divine. Amen.


Remembrance

Dedicated to my Phoenix. An attempt at penning my emotions.  I wrote this for you a long time ago, I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner.

In my time of sorrow and need, when the world seemed against me and I against it, you showered me with words I needed to find my strength to persevere. With every day that passes you make me want to find the lining, that is silver and shimmery, in the dark cloud that looms high above. To this day, no matter what, you are the reason I break my heart in pieces to know that my love is true, no matter how cold and twisted or kind and gentle, I have found love in you. With passing winds, the leaves turn orange, and with it the sunsets grow longer. As days go by, the night grows deeper, more meaningful that the last, with it the skies move past me, with the stars that shimmer luck. Though our love may be disheveled at first, in this cocoon I’ve found my home at last. As birds pass us by, flying at the pace that’s dear, with it will our hearts grow fonder, in hasty warmth and tears forth, may the call of flowing waterfalls brings us closer, in the Niagara that flows down clear.


End of Us

To sit here, past the journey we have come, and to have watched it pass by, I wonder would our bond ever have lasted, forever or evermore if our personalities had not taken sides? But as time proceeds stronger we grow day in and day out, to become beings of desire and absolution bidding adieu to that of hunger and desolation.

With due regard of everything that has been, we have parted and parted we shall seem. For whatever our past held in part, tomorrow won’t see its light, the door has closed, the sheen has died.

I wish you luck, with memoirs of what we once were, may you prosper  and may you achieve your plights. With honour shall we walk away heads held high. You and I were what we were but now never to be again, the end of us has come, the reaper waits by our sides.


Her Bitter Escape

Distraught, disheartened and in disbelief, her thoughts whiz around her mind, her brain unable to process them, and all she feels are fragments, bits and pieces of what her mind let through to her subconscious.  She wants to tear her hair off, her heart out and feel the pain her mind was deaming her to feel. But at the same time, her heart gives way to melancholic thoughts of sadness and fear and loneliness. Her mind is beyond reasoning, inconsolable, as she lays in utter helplessness. Her body slackens wanting to relax, yet she is unable to, though it is the only thing she wants to do and she forces herself to do. She wants to badly, to stop shaking, to stop feeling like she was trodden on like a cockroach. Above all she wants to stop hurting.

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Protected: Mother’s Love

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Little Girl Scared

She was only a child when she was thrust into a world she never knew of. Always believing she was a product of love and nurturing, her tiny fingers knew not what was happening all around her. Tears she associated with bleeding, but she had no wounds to show, they would never show. Her soul was broken, she did not know. Fighting to keep the tears away, her stubborn pose chose another path, she gave into the moment, and a stroke was what she heard next, over and over again.

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