One of those days
There are days that all I want to do is work, work, and work some more, because frankly, all I really want to do is be busy, and stay busy and not really deal with the woes of my mind, my heart (well maybe not my heart, because it’s a party and then some with my Thar), and surroundings. The surrounding woes my mind, and that brings me down, like a house of cards. Today wasn’t such a day, and my mind is constantly being weighed down by all the thoughts that run through my head, where I have come to point I can’t speak. I simply cannot put a sentence together, because the voices in my head (I have 7 and they have names – Pav (the dominant personality), Portia, Piper, Page, Penelope, Prudence and Phoebe) are always speaking to each other, either ranting, conversing or simply consoling (which seem to be occurring more and more as of late). Anyways, whatever it is, it has affected me to the point where I zip and go on lock-down, and if I am in company, all I can do is listen (pretend or try extremely hard to listen (because let’s face it, when you’re listening to 7 voices in your head, do you really thing and 8th or even 9th voice coming through my ear drums will get past? I didn’t think so!)). I spaced out a few times during social gatherings and this is normally with my Thar’s friends because it normally happens in the nights. At most of the time, I really do try to listen but like I said, as of late, something has taken over me and I just can’t seem to figure out why it’s affecting my vocal cords, my thinking processes and why when I do open my mouth to say something, a)my speech dyslexia makes a comeback b)my pronunciation ends up being butchered and c) my vocabulary has gone on hiatus. It’s not pretty and I don’t enjoy it, because I am at times a perfectionist (and stubborn to boot) and when things don’t go my way or something hasn’t been done in the proper way, I sometimes get royally annoyed (even if it is with myself – yes, I am too hard on myself, but do people ever learn unless they are hard on themselves?).
Coffee. I love you.
I lie awake, minutes after midnight, pondering on thoughts that are really not meant to be thought about at this time of the night. The reason being that my body has not only begun its process of shutting itself down by the second, but also because that the lack of sleep would cause me to think erratically bringing me more hurt than good. But this is a common thing in my life.
As a dedicated insomniac, this pattern of sleep doesn’t bring me any comfort or peace of mind, on the contrary. I lie awake till the next day and the one after that, or if I’m really lucky, I would sleep out of exhaustion or self annihilation. The sleeping out of exhaustion normally happens after a couple of days of thorough insomniaty. I’m pretty sure I made that word up. “Insomniaty”. I define it to be the state of insomnia. Self-annihilation is something I don’t want to feel, ever! It’s when I go “Kaboom”.
Anyways, as I ponder on these thoughts of insomnia, I always see a direct connection to the days and nights, where I have waited for merciful sleep and not gotten any. No, not “getting any” in that way, I meant in the form of getting any sleep. I would directly correlate this to my coffee addiction. Normally coffee would keep me chirpy and up. But as of late, I haven’t drunk much coffee, which really sucks in my life, because coffee really makes me happy, along with making me smell like coffee beans. It’s a good smell, trust me. I like smelling of coffee, because not only is this world infested with coffee addicts, but also it reminds me of the happiness my coffee brings. When my coffee isn’t there, my happiness dies away. This is sad, still, because I haven’t gotten any of that too. I’m not getting any in any way. I’m unlucky like that. Anyways, my life has been kinda shitty in the last month or so. This correlates to the time I went off my coffee bean addiction.
So, let’s count backwards. I haven’t been happy. Nor have I had any coffee. But also I haven’t had any good night sleep (come coffee or not) nor have I been chirpy. But, if I had coffee I would have been chirpy, and I would have eventually gotten some sleep out of exhaustion, and I would have still been happy, in some form. But since I haven’t, I am not so happy.
This defines doom really. See, being a Happy Insomniac is better than being a Sad Insomniac. So, I concur, even if you are a coffee addict who suffers from Insomnia, Coffee is your friend, let it love you. Shunning it out of your life because Caffeine is a bad man doesn’t do you any good. Sure, your mother warned you about guys like Mr. Caffeine Man. But really, when did your mother have a say in your love life anyway? So, love all around, when the Caffeine Man is in town.
So, Drink Coffee! It will get your mind focused, your work done, expand your nights into many a hour, keep you running like you’ve got jet fuelled pumped into you, but most importantly, you’ll be chirpier than a chipper bird on crack. 🙂 Enjoy your coffee people. It’s here to stay. And, it tastes divine. Amen.
Remembrance
Dedicated to my Phoenix. An attempt at penning my emotions. I wrote this for you a long time ago, I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner.
In my time of sorrow and need, when the world seemed against me and I against it, you showered me with words I needed to find my strength to persevere. With every day that passes you make me want to find the lining, that is silver and shimmery, in the dark cloud that looms high above. To this day, no matter what, you are the reason I break my heart in pieces to know that my love is true, no matter how cold and twisted or kind and gentle, I have found love in you. With passing winds, the leaves turn orange, and with it the sunsets grow longer. As days go by, the night grows deeper, more meaningful that the last, with it the skies move past me, with the stars that shimmer luck. Though our love may be disheveled at first, in this cocoon I’ve found my home at last. As birds pass us by, flying at the pace that’s dear, with it will our hearts grow fonder, in hasty warmth and tears forth, may the call of flowing waterfalls brings us closer, in the Niagara that flows down clear.
End of Us
To sit here, past the journey we have come, and to have watched it pass by, I wonder would our bond ever have lasted, forever or evermore if our personalities had not taken sides? But as time proceeds stronger we grow day in and day out, to become beings of desire and absolution bidding adieu to that of hunger and desolation.
With due regard of everything that has been, we have parted and parted we shall seem. For whatever our past held in part, tomorrow won’t see its light, the door has closed, the sheen has died.
I wish you luck, with memoirs of what we once were, may you prosper and may you achieve your plights. With honour shall we walk away heads held high. You and I were what we were but now never to be again, the end of us has come, the reaper waits by our sides.
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The Black Rose of Anarchy 