Life goes on…
I had a chat with Bestie’s little sister. She and I were always great friends. Sweet kid, I always had a soft spot for the little darling. I was able to talk to her last year when many didn’t understand why I liked the man I was head over heels in love with. I don’t know why anymore myself.
She understood why I needed to be friends with him, even after he moved on to another. She told me that people with ADD sometimes moved on quicker than usual, and were at times quite tough relationship wise.
But I was stubborn, I wanted to help him, even if it meant I was helping him be with “her“.I still remember him telling me “but Pav, I love her“. I wanted to fight for him, fight for us, and fight for what he wanted, which was “her“. In a way I’m still fighting, but with the memories of last year. But that’s in the past now, I’m looking towards the present. Moving on.
The little girl I knew has grown up, and I’m so proud of her. Going through a similar relationship wall, much like I did, she’s acted so maturely and I have never been more proud of her. Mourning her love, she put aside her emotions and went on with life. She literally got up, brushed herself off, and decided to go through life head held high. She’s truly a beautiful person, and whoever is deserving enough to be in her life, will truly be one lucky fella. And I’m truly lucky to have a friend like you.
You’re a good kid and I love you!
By biszkopciik
Reminiscing…
I have had one of those days you know, where you tend to look out into horizon and see a crow flying right at you, and all you can do is freeze there, cross-eyed as it comes straight at you and BAM, you’re left with a beak imprint, like a stamp saying “you’ve been Crow’d b*tch“, you know, like in “Punk’d”.
It started from last night, when I had a long chat with my cousin before heading out to bed, OR maybe even from the night before when I had a rather long chat with my pseudo-brother.
Dreaming of life…
I have often been marred by nightmares. Actually, more often than I please. They would haunt me every night. Even an afternoon nap would turn dark and the best part is that I remember them in great detail, and let me tell you they were dark. But not anymore.
Since of late, I cannot wait to fall asleep and dream, because when I close my eyes, the only thing I think of is you, and when dreams come, I see you. Tall, broad, like a pillar you’d stand and I’d be awed. Conversations feel so real, I sometimes puzzle myself, I truly do. Because, when I wake, it’s as if I never left reality, because everything seemed so real. Everything down to the way you would stand in front of me, and say “Hi“. And I would adore you for it.
So much has changed. December was truly a turnaround. The passing of 2009 went up with the fireworks my Dad lit up (like a little kid, he loves his fireworks), while Mother and I were looking into the open hearth and the pot of milk that wouldn’t boil fast enough. I like playing with fire. I know I shouldn’t, then again no-one ever said I’m normal. The milk did boil, and it spilled North bound. Apparently, that’s a good omen. I don’t know, I never did pay attention to old wives’ tales.
I’ve gone back to the person I know I am. And the best part is that, my positive thinking is back, as well as my love for cooking, especially Italian (I made pasta today, with homemade tomato puree). Also, I’m going back to being a vegetarian. I guess this year, I’m going to love myself more, because by doing so, I’ll appreciate life. Let’s face it, Life IS awesome.
I’m off to gorge on more Pasta and home-made tomato puree…
Blue Musings
I don’t know, but for some reason, I’m extremely blue today.
I have no one that’s mine to call my own, a lover, someone who’ll put me to sleep, tell me they love me, so that when I wake up the next day, I’ll rise with a smile, and await their sweet voice.
I have no job to keep me busy, no job security, no income and therefore no freedom, no independence, and ultimately no standing in my family, in society, in myself.
I have my education, but one that is missing a lot. At least I have that.Then again, I don’t believe I’m giving it my all.
My relationship with the family is harried, I really don’t enjoy being confined within these walls, all I want to do is scream and run away. I would if I could.
I think to be in love, but only that which is unrequited or in this case unknown to the person I seem to be falling for, madly. Such is my luck, ever bare.
I wish, this New Years, that my life would turn around and be better for me, bring me joy, bring me some sort of hope, because day by day, I feel lost, numb, gone. I feel like I’m fading into nothing and no one can stop me, no one can save me, and in turn it scares me. It does, I have never been this scared of anything in my life, and here I am unable to take a step forward because I don’t know what it’ll hold. I want to be safe, reassured and therefore complacent of what is already in my life, but then I look at my life and I see nothing. Nothing that would render it useful, fulfilling, and meaningful.
The only thing that binds me to his life, to some form of happiness is my dear friends, and I am thankful for them. However, they will also be gone in the near future, leaving me as bare as I feel now, just more completely. I am only being realistic, life is such, but deep down I hope that it will never happen.
And therefore I’m scared. Extremely, inexplicably. I don’t know what I can do about it though. Right now I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of. But eventually, like I have been trying in the last few weeks, I seem to be crawling out of this hole that I’ve fallen into, and I hope by the turn of the year, I will indeed have surfaced onto the crust and bid adieu to the pit that’s honed me for the last few months.
By Mr-Stick
A second to ponder
This was written by a newly aquainted but dear friend of mine. She has captured all the feelings I have been going through and I just wanted to say thank you, for being there and thank you for the lovely post. You truly are a beautiful person.
You can find her post at her blog called “MeThinks“. Her post – “To all the boys I have loved before”.
End of Us
To sit here, past the journey we have come, and to have watched it pass by, I wonder would our bond ever have lasted, forever or evermore if our personalities had not taken sides? But as time proceeds stronger we grow day in and day out, to become beings of desire and absolution bidding adieu to that of hunger and desolation.
With due regard of everything that has been, we have parted and parted we shall seem. For whatever our past held in part, tomorrow won’t see its light, the door has closed, the sheen has died.
I wish you luck, with memoirs of what we once were, may you prosper and may you achieve your plights. With honour shall we walk away heads held high. You and I were what we were but now never to be again, the end of us has come, the reaper waits by our sides.
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The Black Rose of Anarchy 