Is it wrong to want to be assertive, to stop people walking all over me and leaving me a mess on the floor? I don’t think so.
Last year taught me many things; one was that if someone in your life takes what you are and turns you into something that makes you doubt yourself, then that said person isn’t worth the trouble nor the effort. If they continuously blame you for their misgivings, and how they can’t overcome their own issues but would rather point fingers into your direction and tear into who you are, then it’s definitely not worth it. I learnt it the hard way, and I learnt it good.
Last year I said goodbye to many people, two friends who are now in heaven and some who still walk the earth. The latter I had to bid them goodbye because it was harder and harder to have conversations with them, let alone get a word in sideways. So I let go, I cut ties and I moved on. Some I didn’t give fair warning but merely a few words that said ‘I can’t handle this‘ and some I just chose the ‘ignorance is bliss‘ route. Does that make me a bad person to for at least once in my life crave some self-preservation, then so be it.
Last year, I chose myself, and frankly I’m not really sorry. But having said that, I should also give thanks for those who were part of my life and leading me into who I am now, otherwise I wouldn’t have learnt so many lessons in life. Without them I don’t think I would have been pushed to say “No, no more, this has to stop“. Do I miss the people who I let go? Maybe a little. I suppose I miss the good times, but when the sour surpasses the sweet, I’d rather turn away than experience the bitterness of what I went through. But thank you, for making me not want to reach out more than I used to. I now know that kindness isn’t always something that people take too kindly to as some resort to abuse it and take it for granted and is often misunderstood for its intentions. With that experience I drew closer to the people who supported me without wanting to slit my wrists, and I’m happy, with the little piece of mind I have. Isn’t that what people anyway want, a little piece of mind. It’s not too much to ask for is it?
Last year, is so … yesteryear and I’m looking for the eerie silence after a tyrannous storm.
I had a chat with Bestie’s little sister. She and I were always great friends. Sweet kid, I always had a soft spot for the little darling. I was able to talk to her last year when many didn’t understand why I liked the man I was head over heels in love with. I don’t know why anymore myself.
She understood why I needed to be friends with him, even after he moved on to another. She told me that people with ADD sometimes moved on quicker than usual, and were at times quite tough relationship wise.
But I was stubborn, I wanted to help him, even if it meant I was helping him be with “her“.I still remember him telling me “but Pav, I love her“. I wanted to fight for him, fight for us, and fight for what he wanted, which was “her“. In a way I’m still fighting, but with the memories of last year. But that’s in the past now, I’m looking towards the present. Moving on.
The little girl I knew has grown up, and I’m so proud of her. Going through a similar relationship wall, much like I did, she’s acted so maturely and I have never been more proud of her. Mourning her love, she put aside her emotions and went on with life. She literally got up, brushed herself off, and decided to go through life head held high. She’s truly a beautiful person, and whoever is deserving enough to be in her life, will truly be one lucky fella. And I’m truly lucky to have a friend like you.
You’re a good kid and I love you!
Days pass by me, as I wonder my purpose in life, the cause for deeds done and the reasons why I have been alive. Almost scrupulous, near promiscuous, this is wrong I tell myself. I know it is, but where do I stop myself from being thus? When will the past remind me where I must draw the line? Sadly and slowly, I succumb to the emptiness that my heart has come to be. I alone will struggle through the depths of forgiveness, in myself I must find, the deeds of wrong and those of right that have passed with minutes passing. Even with forgiveness unto myself, my mind will not allow me desired sleep tonight.
I trudge along a path of no absolution, a desire that runs deep within. Carnal pleasures resound, these walls mimic its stories, but with depression it has bound me slave to cynicism and narcissism both. Shameful and with due penance by the Lord, I live in fear of judgment at the gates. I loathe the sinner rooted within me with purpose, dragging me to the evils that I possess. Letting the good die, writhing in pain and never in light. Darkness arrives, with determination and deceit. Power fills the senses, leaving the mind marred and broken in tears. The liar lies laden with gold, reaping triumphant jubilation, but alas the truth is buried six feet below. As the last light dies from within, smirks of truths untold lie on irritated lips. Spake it aloud cried my mind, or forever lie unjust, the world spins not on lies but painful lust.