There are moments where you feel like you’re frozen in time.
On the last day of the year, I have come face to face with that moment. Some people say that when you die, you see your life flash before your eyes. In this instance, since the time I woke, the last year, month by month, moment by moment, has flashed before me.
Whilst gobbling down the Christmas cake my dear cousin had sent us, I write this, while reminiscing the good and the bad of this year. Mostly bad, but there’s a silver lining in everything. Most of the lining (as normal lining always is) was hidden and the most recent, obviously came really late. But here’s another cliché for you, better late than never eh? Okay, I’m done with the corny clichés, or am I?
So this year was a tough one, but I’m over it.
It was hard to do, but I let go of my past. I’ve embraced new people, had my heart broken (I will always stand by what I said – we were better friends than lovers), met some great people as well as one that has my heart, and I’m on my way to better health and a better future.
So, all in all, I wanna say Goodbye and Good Riddance Year 2009, 2010 is gonna kick ass.
Bring out the Bubbly people. See what I did there? No? Darn it, I’ve been watching too much How I Met Your Mother.
Have a great New Years folks. Cheers.
I leave you with a poem by Conventry Patmore;
With all my will, but much against my heart,
We two now part.
My Very Dear,
Our solace is, the sad road lies so clear.
It needs no art,
With faint, averted feet
And many a tear,
In our opposèd paths to persevere.
Go thou to East, I West.
We will not say
There ‘s any hope, it is so far away.
But, O, my Best,
When the one darling of our widowhead,
The nursling Grief,
And no dews blur our eyes
To see the peach-bloom come in evening skies,
Perchance we may,
Where now this night is day,
And even through faith of still averted feet,
Making full circle of our banishment,
The bitter journey to the bourne so sweet
Seasoning the termless feast of our content
With tears of recognition never dry.
I don’t know, but for some reason, I’m extremely blue today.
I have no one that’s mine to call my own, a lover, someone who’ll put me to sleep, tell me they love me, so that when I wake up the next day, I’ll rise with a smile, and await their sweet voice.
I have no job to keep me busy, no job security, no income and therefore no freedom, no independence, and ultimately no standing in my family, in society, in myself.
I have my education, but one that is missing a lot. At least I have that.Then again, I don’t believe I’m giving it my all.
My relationship with the family is harried, I really don’t enjoy being confined within these walls, all I want to do is scream and run away. I would if I could.
I think to be in love, but only that which is unrequited or in this case unknown to the person I seem to be falling for, madly. Such is my luck, ever bare.
I wish, this New Years, that my life would turn around and be better for me, bring me joy, bring me some sort of hope, because day by day, I feel lost, numb, gone. I feel like I’m fading into nothing and no one can stop me, no one can save me, and in turn it scares me. It does, I have never been this scared of anything in my life, and here I am unable to take a step forward because I don’t know what it’ll hold. I want to be safe, reassured and therefore complacent of what is already in my life, but then I look at my life and I see nothing. Nothing that would render it useful, fulfilling, and meaningful.
The only thing that binds me to his life, to some form of happiness is my dear friends, and I am thankful for them. However, they will also be gone in the near future, leaving me as bare as I feel now, just more completely. I am only being realistic, life is such, but deep down I hope that it will never happen.
And therefore I’m scared. Extremely, inexplicably. I don’t know what I can do about it though. Right now I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of. But eventually, like I have been trying in the last few weeks, I seem to be crawling out of this hole that I’ve fallen into, and I hope by the turn of the year, I will indeed have surfaced onto the crust and bid adieu to the pit that’s honed me for the last few months.