Those who know me, know that I’m not overly religious. I follow the Buddhist philosophy, and I stick to the principles identified within that framework, with a vengeance at times. This, however, also leaves me in a bit of disarray, as Buddhism being a philosophy turned religion (in the minds of the people (that is, followers, practitioners, inter alia), it has evolved from a mere way of life to what I would call a business (because save for a few religious heads, it is JUST that).
One thing that always happens around religious times and when I visit temple, is where I get extremely puzzled on my life and how it has turned out to be. See my life hasn’t been a bed of roses or a walk in the park to say the least, and along the way, this person who used to breathe Buddhism as a religion and follow it quite well (because that was I was brought up that way by my grandparents, despite the Christian learnings I’ve had to partake in whilst I was abroad), I stuck to my guns and I was religious. When I used to give thanks at the table and my mother wanted me to be more Buddhist, I did so without being asked twice (though I was confused as my Catholic cousins would carry onto). Now, I was always a curious child and every questioning (which was often reciprocated with a yell of frustration or smack (cos I tend to ask the darndest things ya know?)). Anyways, when it came to matter of religious following, I didn’t question my mother on it, but did as I was told. BUT, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t confused about the dynamics of it all.
I don’t know, but for some reason, I’m extremely blue today.
I have no one that’s mine to call my own, a lover, someone who’ll put me to sleep, tell me they love me, so that when I wake up the next day, I’ll rise with a smile, and await their sweet voice.
I have no job to keep me busy, no job security, no income and therefore no freedom, no independence, and ultimately no standing in my family, in society, in myself.
I have my education, but one that is missing a lot. At least I have that.Then again, I don’t believe I’m giving it my all.
My relationship with the family is harried, I really don’t enjoy being confined within these walls, all I want to do is scream and run away. I would if I could.
I think to be in love, but only that which is unrequited or in this case unknown to the person I seem to be falling for, madly. Such is my luck, ever bare.
I wish, this New Years, that my life would turn around and be better for me, bring me joy, bring me some sort of hope, because day by day, I feel lost, numb, gone. I feel like I’m fading into nothing and no one can stop me, no one can save me, and in turn it scares me. It does, I have never been this scared of anything in my life, and here I am unable to take a step forward because I don’t know what it’ll hold. I want to be safe, reassured and therefore complacent of what is already in my life, but then I look at my life and I see nothing. Nothing that would render it useful, fulfilling, and meaningful.
The only thing that binds me to his life, to some form of happiness is my dear friends, and I am thankful for them. However, they will also be gone in the near future, leaving me as bare as I feel now, just more completely. I am only being realistic, life is such, but deep down I hope that it will never happen.
And therefore I’m scared. Extremely, inexplicably. I don’t know what I can do about it though. Right now I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of. But eventually, like I have been trying in the last few weeks, I seem to be crawling out of this hole that I’ve fallen into, and I hope by the turn of the year, I will indeed have surfaced onto the crust and bid adieu to the pit that’s honed me for the last few months.