There are days that all I want to do is work, work, and work some more, because frankly, all I really want to do is be busy, and stay busy and not really deal with the woes of my mind, my heart (well maybe not my heart, because it’s a party and then some with my Thar), and surroundings. The surrounding woes my mind, and that brings me down, like a house of cards. Today wasn’t such a day, and my mind is constantly being weighed down by all the thoughts that run through my head, where I have come to point I can’t speak. I simply cannot put a sentence together, because the voices in my head (I have 7 and they have names – Pav (the dominant personality), Portia, Piper, Page, Penelope, Prudence and Phoebe) are always speaking to each other, either ranting, conversing or simply consoling (which seem to be occurring more and more as of late). Anyways, whatever it is, it has affected me to the point where I zip and go on lock-down, and if I am in company, all I can do is listen (pretend or try extremely hard to listen (because let’s face it, when you’re listening to 7 voices in your head, do you really thing and 8th or even 9th voice coming through my ear drums will get past? I didn’t think so!)). I spaced out a few times during social gatherings and this is normally with my Thar’s friends because it normally happens in the nights. At most of the time, I really do try to listen but like I said, as of late, something has taken over me and I just can’t seem to figure out why it’s affecting my vocal cords, my thinking processes and why when I do open my mouth to say something, a)my speech dyslexia makes a comeback b)my pronunciation ends up being butchered and c) my vocabulary has gone on hiatus. It’s not pretty and I don’t enjoy it, because I am at times a perfectionist (and stubborn to boot) and when things don’t go my way or something hasn’t been done in the proper way, I sometimes get royally annoyed (even if it is with myself – yes, I am too hard on myself, but do people ever learn unless they are hard on themselves?).
Another attempt at prose…
Walking down this lonely darkened road, a familiar pathway trodden down upon just a yonder ago. I see the signs that this road held last year, which led me down a future that I’ve made past with, home to battle scars and fear.
Looking closely into the signs I see and ponder, should I let them lead me where I was last, or should I stop to investigate the footprints in the sand. Should I inquire from the only soul in sight, a man that’s tall and dark, yet not dark as night.
Oh this familiar path, it haunts me, so much so that my nights are ever cruel. Every time I trudge along way of the dark, the cold, it mocks me with eerie taunts and I weep with reddened tears aloud.
Drawn in magnetism to the bleak end of the road, drenched in sudden solemn “Turn away”, my conscience calls. But the smog almost reels me in with mysterious songs and I hear the evil snickers of promises of being led to where I unduly belonged.
Alone, cold and reeled into the curious cloud of body made of my fears, with it all, down this path I’ll be led. Down it I shall be taken, even to my death bed. For this path, so cruel yet so close to my skin, has become the reason of my only sin.
So, I went to watch 2012, again last Friday. I paid more attention than last, and oh boy did I pay attention. Also, I discovered that the first time around, we had missed out at least 5-10 minutes of the movie. Savoy had the longest queue that day. Sad really. We sat in the middle section, first row too. And did we giggle. PseudoRandom and I did for sure *winks at PR*.
Apart from the world coming to an end, and signs that said “Repent, the end is nigh” – which I do believe. I strongly believe that 2012 is a possibility. Will we have super cool arks which are supported by not-so-sturdy locks, well I don’t think so. Will we all die because we can’t afford the €1,000,000,000 ticket prices? I don’t think so, but if it comes to that let’s hope that temporary inflation occurs and we would indeed be able to afford it. I know, I’m making a mockery out of our monetary system, I think we should, it’s mockful!
I had a chat with Bestie’s little sister. She and I were always great friends. Sweet kid, I always had a soft spot for the little darling. I was able to talk to her last year when many didn’t understand why I liked the man I was head over heels in love with. I don’t know why anymore myself.
She understood why I needed to be friends with him, even after he moved on to another. She told me that people with ADD sometimes moved on quicker than usual, and were at times quite tough relationship wise.
But I was stubborn, I wanted to help him, even if it meant I was helping him be with “her“.I still remember him telling me “but Pav, I love her“. I wanted to fight for him, fight for us, and fight for what he wanted, which was “her“. In a way I’m still fighting, but with the memories of last year. But that’s in the past now, I’m looking towards the present. Moving on.
The little girl I knew has grown up, and I’m so proud of her. Going through a similar relationship wall, much like I did, she’s acted so maturely and I have never been more proud of her. Mourning her love, she put aside her emotions and went on with life. She literally got up, brushed herself off, and decided to go through life head held high. She’s truly a beautiful person, and whoever is deserving enough to be in her life, will truly be one lucky fella. And I’m truly lucky to have a friend like you.
You’re a good kid and I love you!
I recalled a chat I had with a friend I refer to as Indie. So, Indie was telling me that she was going nuts. And the following ensued.
Me: Don’t drive yourself insane. I need my Indieness. Come for a hug. =)
Indie: Your “Indieness” is still here.
Me: I be very happy. =D
Indie: You’re adorable!
Me: Come let’s be happy. Lets hold hands and go skipping down a hill. Pick daisies…
Indie: Ooh love daisies!
Me: Make very girly daisy garlands and head thingies, and be all prettied…
Indie: I would like a looooooooooong summer dress to go with the whole thing.
Me: … and make friends with the pixies and the fairies and then they’ll let us into the secret Sisterhood of the Magical Forest. And then, we can be all-knowing magical creatures. I want purple wings and purply highlights in my hair. What do you want Indie? Everyone gets wings and highlights. It’s Free Wings and Highlights Day!
Indie: I don’t know what I want though.
Me: Well, you can go all Indie chick. Indie fairies Rock!
Indie: I bet they do.
Me: They do, they do. A little fairy bug told me. Oh we get fairy bugs too! Fairy bugs are like doggies. I want a cocky spannielly bug. I shall name him Cookie =)
Indie: You are on a roll today aren’t you?
Me: Yep. Come =)
Indie: I guess its good. Than to seethe in anger. Is it Seeth or Seethe? I’m losing my language.
Me: Seethe? I can’t think straight. I seethe?
Indie : I soothe? You are soothing.
Me: Soothe? I am? *Scratches head*
Indie: Oh god, it’s losing it meaning.
Me: Nooooo! Soothing come back. Sooothing noooo….!!! *runs after Soothing* Where’s my butterfly net? It comes handy in such times like this *Jumps up*.
Indie: You’re crazy Pavi!
Me: *jumps up again* Gotchya! *hands soothing back to Indie* =) We be friends yes?
Indie: Yes we are! =)
There are moments where you feel like you’re frozen in time.
On the last day of the year, I have come face to face with that moment. Some people say that when you die, you see your life flash before your eyes. In this instance, since the time I woke, the last year, month by month, moment by moment, has flashed before me.
Whilst gobbling down the Christmas cake my dear cousin had sent us, I write this, while reminiscing the good and the bad of this year. Mostly bad, but there’s a silver lining in everything. Most of the lining (as normal lining always is) was hidden and the most recent, obviously came really late. But here’s another cliché for you, better late than never eh? Okay, I’m done with the corny clichés, or am I?
So this year was a tough one, but I’m over it.
It was hard to do, but I let go of my past. I’ve embraced new people, had my heart broken (I will always stand by what I said – we were better friends than lovers), met some great people as well as one that has my heart, and I’m on my way to better health and a better future.
So, all in all, I wanna say Goodbye and Good Riddance Year 2009, 2010 is gonna kick ass.
Bring out the Bubbly people. See what I did there? No? Darn it, I’ve been watching too much How I Met Your Mother.
Have a great New Years folks. Cheers.
I leave you with a poem by Conventry Patmore;
With all my will, but much against my heart,
We two now part.
My Very Dear,
Our solace is, the sad road lies so clear.
It needs no art,
With faint, averted feet
And many a tear,
In our opposèd paths to persevere.
Go thou to East, I West.
We will not say
There ‘s any hope, it is so far away.
But, O, my Best,
When the one darling of our widowhead,
The nursling Grief,
And no dews blur our eyes
To see the peach-bloom come in evening skies,
Perchance we may,
Where now this night is day,
And even through faith of still averted feet,
Making full circle of our banishment,
The bitter journey to the bourne so sweet
Seasoning the termless feast of our content
With tears of recognition never dry.
To sit here, past the journey we have come, and to have watched it pass by, I wonder would our bond ever have lasted, forever or evermore if our personalities had not taken sides? But as time proceeds stronger we grow day in and day out, to become beings of desire and absolution bidding adieu to that of hunger and desolation.
With due regard of everything that has been, we have parted and parted we shall seem. For whatever our past held in part, tomorrow won’t see its light, the door has closed, the sheen has died.
I wish you luck, with memoirs of what we once were, may you prosper and may you achieve your plights. With honour shall we walk away heads held high. You and I were what we were but now never to be again, the end of us has come, the reaper waits by our sides.