Counting Down Has Never Been This Amazing
Standing, along a blue wall, that’s speckled with water bubbles patiently fighting to burst out through the plaster beneath the cool shade, there we stand face to face, looking through each other as we were mere ethereal personas, standing still against time. And I stand there looking at the wonder of those brown bright orbs that mirrors your emotion and mine combined yet each with a story to tell but one that will not be spoken yet transcended through vibes and aura so strong that it sets my hair on end. Holding me close, noses touching one another, we stare right through the galaxies of our corneas. Eye lash grazing, sending tingles down my being, shocking the caverns and their beasts who are now awakened and fumbling towards the light. Your lips tremble as mine does with yearning, its a longing that beats against my heart as loud as a beating drum heard down in tribes far away.
And we meet, like waves crashing against one another, mighty and strong, overflowing as our lips make contact over and over, in unison to the rhythm of the current that sweeps through an open door, as your hot tongue greets mine like an old friend, shaking hands and saying “how do you do, I’ve been expecting you for quite some time and I’m sure glad that you have arrived“. Maybe not friends, but lovers brought from friendship and understanding so strong, that it governs the mighty waves of thought into tsunamis that can break down those very walls I had constructed brick by brick against possible and probably hurt and hate with cynicism as twisted as a tangled braid. But you tore those down, like the Berlin Wall and you made a change, you changed my world.
The lines of my hand met yours as if they knew because fate had etched them on our palms a long time ago and now you and I, we’ve been found. Every graze, every touch sends tingles to every corner of my being, awakening them and as your kisses sends warmth searing through to my heart, I feel jolts of heat pass through you into me and explode into a beauteous array of fireworks only my inner being can pay witness to, and you, yes you are the reason why every inch feels as if its in a caffeine induced coma, one that makes you spring to life against the misery which lies solid, un-moving in a corner. You are the reason, for my being, for constantly moving forward through the blizzard. You are my strength, my heart and soul, you are the spirit that runs through my veins, giving me life. And I, I love you, with every heartstring calling out your name.
I dedicated and gifted this piece of writing to Thar for his birthday, and I have been waiting for the right time to post this online, and I think it’s time. Happy 17 Months, YOU ARE THE BEST PART OF MY LIFE.
Full Moon Wonders
Looking up what to do you see on a clear midnight blue sky? Where the yellow moon blazes against the darkness; whilst it shines on you stare on, your eyes glazing over without blinking not even for a moment?
Do you see the millions of stars, that sparkle like gold, glitter, and blink at you like beautiful bright eyes, and as you take it all in? Do you see yourself lost in this endless dark pool that envelopes you from within?
As you breathe, do you feel it on the back of your spine the thought of who might be looking up above with you yet a million miles away sharing the same thought as you did?
Who in a million, billion, and trillion miles could it be? Who could capture the same thought, the same memory and make it theirs, yours, ours and wonder what you might be wondering, feeling what you are now feeling?
Then in a fleeting glance, a blink of an eye, that thought is gone but only to be replaced by another so powerful. One with that yearning to meet this other person, who may or might not be your twin in thought and mind.
Someone who is lonely or someone who loves a full moon night, one without the clouds to hide its beauteous sight. Someone who is clearly different from the rest, one that will stop and admire what doesn’t tickle the rest.
With hope in your heart, and love fleeing in your eyes, hoping you’ll find someone to share the woe in your heart. Hoping to make something beautiful shine with all its might, like the orb above.
Her broken heart with yours, to make one that is new, one that is whole, one that will change the world and make it glow, incandescently, like the moon that stares you at you now, above like a guardian wishing you well.
Dedicate to T, you’re that rare yellow orb against my midnight sky, and in you I find, home.
How’s it been? Long time, no see. Sadly, it is my fault, and well I apologise, profusely. Once training is over along with my exams, I shall surface on a more regular routine, and maybe even complete the 20 something drafts just lying around. Yes, more for that I say.
Now let’s see, what’s been happening?
April New Years
Sinhala and Tamil New Year is always a very nice affair. It starts with food preparation from at least a week prior to the day, and then there’s the cleaning, and oh the shopping of new clothes and gifts for others. Then the day comes, and there’s the lighting of the hearth and the crackers going off, and gorging on sweet and oily sweets, the food plate distribution and then off to see the relatives.
Now, about this food plate distribution business, it’s quite something. Like, for example, House A brings you a plate of deliciousness, you take it from their hands with wishes and thanks, and then stock the plate up with your goodies and go back to House A to give them the plate. Now, normally the point is to distribute YOUR goodies, but sometimes that doesn’t necessarily happen. I noticed today, how some have sneakily attempted to capitalise on just one plate. Like, for example, in the previous example, we saw that House A gifts a plate to House B (that would be you) and then you return to House A with your plate. Now, notice that YOU wouldn’t send back the same plate but would have stocked it up with delicious goodies. But, with the food plate capitalisation plan, House A would take House B’s plate and send it to House C, and then you get the same cycle. I watched this happen in front of my eyes. Our plate, got sent to the Rajakaruna’s. I was like “wtf man”
As I sit here, listening to you, my heart breaks for you… It’s hard to express what I’m feeling, because it’s such a mixture of so many. Anger? pain? sorrow? *wanting to break her face*?
Anyway I hope with time, you will find the path to trust, to walk on the shards of glass left behind, to love…
I, as always, will be around, with a duster and brush as well as a first aid kit, so that I can sweep up those very shards and even patch you up if you bleed.
You are one of the best people I’ve met in a long, long time, and I hope you know how much you mean to me…
Let’s live shall we?
There’s something truly heartwarming to see your favourite kitty (not so small anymore, he’s over a year old now), snuggled against your pillow on a rainy day, and while you look at him sleeping, he opens his eyes slightly, and meows in this tone that he only reserves for me. ❤ My Yellow Bird and I, we’ll always have each other ❤
Okay, so yeah. I have a rather fond affinity to my yellow and white male cat. He’s loving, he cuddly and best of all he wants me over everybody else, and makes me feel loved even though he always demands to sit between my hands while I’m typing something on the laptop. I get mad, but how could you be mad at such a cute furry ball of white and gold sunshine. His meow is as good as Zoff‘s nuzzle and whimper as he used to wake me up, very early in the morning. Though you can’t be replaced, maybe JT’s Archer can creep into my heart and take a permanent residence in it. I know that he’s as cute as it gets and hyper as a hyper ball of furry sunshine gets.
The last week has been a rollercoaster. I’ve been looking behind me more than I have ever done before.
I feel paranoid, like all the time, but I think I haven’t felt this lighthearted in a while, and if I may, sixteen.
But today, was something out of a bad nightmare. Then again home is for me at least. It’s like I don’t belong. I know where I belong and that’s with my grandparents. I miss them, and I don’t visit as often, because they live 2 hours away. But with all the shit that’s been happening around me, visiting them today, and seeing their smiling faces cheered me up instantly.
Over 80, wrinkled and soft, they are probably the only two people in the world who love me unconditionally, and I them.
You know how free, safe, warm, and right you feel when the storm is over and the sea is calm again. I feel that way now. Because now, it doesn’t hurt anymore.
I know that because, when I listen to beautiful songs I couldn’t bear to listen to before I don’t feel my cheeks wet with salty tears, I don’t feel my heart breaking into millions pieces, my love wasted on a soul who didn’t give a damn and wasted my emotions, my feelings, my love for nothing.
Life goes on…
I had a chat with Bestie’s little sister. She and I were always great friends. Sweet kid, I always had a soft spot for the little darling. I was able to talk to her last year when many didn’t understand why I liked the man I was head over heels in love with. I don’t know why anymore myself.
She understood why I needed to be friends with him, even after he moved on to another. She told me that people with ADD sometimes moved on quicker than usual, and were at times quite tough relationship wise.
But I was stubborn, I wanted to help him, even if it meant I was helping him be with “her“.I still remember him telling me “but Pav, I love her“. I wanted to fight for him, fight for us, and fight for what he wanted, which was “her“. In a way I’m still fighting, but with the memories of last year. But that’s in the past now, I’m looking towards the present. Moving on.
The little girl I knew has grown up, and I’m so proud of her. Going through a similar relationship wall, much like I did, she’s acted so maturely and I have never been more proud of her. Mourning her love, she put aside her emotions and went on with life. She literally got up, brushed herself off, and decided to go through life head held high. She’s truly a beautiful person, and whoever is deserving enough to be in her life, will truly be one lucky fella. And I’m truly lucky to have a friend like you.
You’re a good kid and I love you!
Dreaming of life…
I have often been marred by nightmares. Actually, more often than I please. They would haunt me every night. Even an afternoon nap would turn dark and the best part is that I remember them in great detail, and let me tell you they were dark. But not anymore.
Since of late, I cannot wait to fall asleep and dream, because when I close my eyes, the only thing I think of is you, and when dreams come, I see you. Tall, broad, like a pillar you’d stand and I’d be awed. Conversations feel so real, I sometimes puzzle myself, I truly do. Because, when I wake, it’s as if I never left reality, because everything seemed so real. Everything down to the way you would stand in front of me, and say “Hi“. And I would adore you for it.
So much has changed. December was truly a turnaround. The passing of 2009 went up with the fireworks my Dad lit up (like a little kid, he loves his fireworks), while Mother and I were looking into the open hearth and the pot of milk that wouldn’t boil fast enough. I like playing with fire. I know I shouldn’t, then again no-one ever said I’m normal. The milk did boil, and it spilled North bound. Apparently, that’s a good omen. I don’t know, I never did pay attention to old wives’ tales.
I’ve gone back to the person I know I am. And the best part is that, my positive thinking is back, as well as my love for cooking, especially Italian (I made pasta today, with homemade tomato puree). Also, I’m going back to being a vegetarian. I guess this year, I’m going to love myself more, because by doing so, I’ll appreciate life. Let’s face it, Life IS awesome.
I’m off to gorge on more Pasta and home-made tomato puree…
She was there to hold my hand, to laugh with me when times were such and cry with me when my heart broke. She was there when I retched day in and day out, sick to my stomach, unable to make it through. She was there when my heart shattered into a million pieces, when the man I loved left me for another. She was there in an instant, like lighting, to make sure that I was safe and loved. Her heart broke when I made the wrong decision, and yet she prayed that I would find the way. She knew better than not to question me when I was stubborn, she knew me well enough to know the angel within. She knew me, she knows me and she always will.
She has been around since the day I was born, and only absent when I left her, for another land. She’s always been around, throughout my life, and that’s all I’ll ever really ask for, in her. We’ve had our disagreements, but always made up soon after.And that’s what makes this the best relationship to date. To be bonded, to be linked, and most importantly to be loved. By another so like you, yet unlike you, and in the end to know that you have someone who cares for you as deeply as you do her.
I love you for who you are, and what you are to me, for being my sister.
I love you, Ruks.
Here’s to a new year, a new leaf, a new life.
I don’t know, but for some reason, I’m extremely blue today.
I have no one that’s mine to call my own, a lover, someone who’ll put me to sleep, tell me they love me, so that when I wake up the next day, I’ll rise with a smile, and await their sweet voice.
I have no job to keep me busy, no job security, no income and therefore no freedom, no independence, and ultimately no standing in my family, in society, in myself.
I have my education, but one that is missing a lot. At least I have that.Then again, I don’t believe I’m giving it my all.
My relationship with the family is harried, I really don’t enjoy being confined within these walls, all I want to do is scream and run away. I would if I could.
I think to be in love, but only that which is unrequited or in this case unknown to the person I seem to be falling for, madly. Such is my luck, ever bare.
I wish, this New Years, that my life would turn around and be better for me, bring me joy, bring me some sort of hope, because day by day, I feel lost, numb, gone. I feel like I’m fading into nothing and no one can stop me, no one can save me, and in turn it scares me. It does, I have never been this scared of anything in my life, and here I am unable to take a step forward because I don’t know what it’ll hold. I want to be safe, reassured and therefore complacent of what is already in my life, but then I look at my life and I see nothing. Nothing that would render it useful, fulfilling, and meaningful.
The only thing that binds me to his life, to some form of happiness is my dear friends, and I am thankful for them. However, they will also be gone in the near future, leaving me as bare as I feel now, just more completely. I am only being realistic, life is such, but deep down I hope that it will never happen.
And therefore I’m scared. Extremely, inexplicably. I don’t know what I can do about it though. Right now I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of. But eventually, like I have been trying in the last few weeks, I seem to be crawling out of this hole that I’ve fallen into, and I hope by the turn of the year, I will indeed have surfaced onto the crust and bid adieu to the pit that’s honed me for the last few months.
Tears Over Coffee
Part I of Kinship of Spirit
The door bell rang. Miths made her way through her apartment’s living area, towards the door, and looked through the peep hole. She saw a familiar head of hair, looking downwards. The curls were slightly visible, she knew who that was. Christy.
She unbolted the door, opened it and held it slighty ajar with her hand on the inside knob. Christy raised her head, at the suddenness of the door opening. She stood there, in her jeans, button down shirt, heels and the over-sized handbag she lugged around with her. She looked as if she’d gotten there in a hurry. She had forgotten to apply her coat of lip gloss, something she always does, though she’d forgotten it now. Miths slowly looked at her watch. It was past 1 o’clock. “Wasn’t she supposed to be at work?”, she thought.
- … my grandmother and grandfather.
- … HUGS. The Warm, Soft, Fluffy, Long Kind.
- … the feeling you get when you see a close friend you haven’t seen in a while
- … the shriek that is followed by that feeling when you meet with them
- … running towards each other like one of those corny Hindi movies from the 70s or 80s, following shriek.
- … being lifted up by a darling friend, and twirled 360 degrees on the beach at 2 in the morning
- … walking miles in the company of great friends, the aching muscles and tiredness the next day is worth every minute of it
- … looking into his eyes, and letting it speak for you.
- … hugging someone that special way, knowing that a hug will comfort them to no ends.
- … being held, because sometimes all we need is that, especially to save ourselves.
- … saving a little birdy from being slaughtered by cats and letting it fly after rubbing its head awhile
- … Zoffy.
- … Phoenix.
- … cart wheeling at Independence Square.
- … having a “Sandwich Factory” dinner at Independence Square
- … doing a TING (my girls would know *wink)
- … seeing one of your batch mates married off. To a really nice man.
- … the beach
- … the sea
- … lovely hairbands
- … Boleros
- … jeans. the low boot and skinny kind.
- … dancing the night away. With one heck of a great friend.
- … street racing down Galle Road at 2a.m.
- … my birthday week. surprises and all. OMG You GUYS!
- … my special leaf. Lots of love in that.
- … when you find that thing you’ve lost
- … smelling my hair
- … being high on life
- … being high on coffee, sugar and RedBull
- … photography.
- … lying in each others arms.
- … smiling with your eyes
- … independence
- … walking around town, just because you can.
- … doggies
- … also kitties.
- … coffee.
- … pigging out on Black Forest Cake with your mates, and eating every last bit of it.
- … the insane Lunch Room times.
- … the Taj car park session at the onstage 2nd prellies ’08 with RealSkullZero, A, M and Nils.
- … Dancing for no apparent reason, to the dorkiest song on earth.
- … water fights.
- … pillow fights.
- … holding his pinky finger, the way a new born baby would for the first time.
- … babies.
- … security.
- … driving with an awesome friend who is also a super cool driver.
- … being rescued by said friend in the middle of the night after losing my head and going the wrong way.
- … PURPLE.
- … Jensen Ackles.
- … second chances.
- … being there for them no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!
- … that day in June.
- … kisses on the forehead.
- … holding your hand.
- … not letting any object break that invisible bond as you walk side by side
- … talking on the phone for hours, not realising the time
- … that look in your eyes.
- … spending ages making cards and gifts.
- … window shopping with the girls. never buying anything.
- … great fan fiction. Sarah Rees Brennan FTW.
- … is Dreaming. Like James Dean said. Dream as if you’ll live forever; Live as if you’ll die today.
- … Friendship.
- … Happiness.
- … Knowing that Mother loves me.
- … The Hikka Pact.
I was tagged by dearest Dili.
I hereby tag – The Unsilent, The End, Dark Angel, The Womanist, St. Fallen, Chavie and Black.
Afternote : I know this is extremely long. Thousand apologies.
This I dedicate to The Unsilent. He continues to be one hell of a great friend and has touched my life in many ways. This is for you.
Droplets of water fell heavier onto the earth from the clouds above. The more it rained the more the night grew darker, longer and more silent. They made their way home, to her house in the downpour. Sadly, the rain didn’t aid her in her state of confusion and his of silence. There, they sat, in their predefined places of seating, she on the left, and he on the right. Her hands lay on her lap and while his right hand was on the wheel and the other had made its permanent abode for the journey on the gear shift. He always preferred it that way, and she didn’t mind it. She had always found his form of driving exciting, there was something quite enthralling about it.
I was lucky enough to meet a really great friend, who in the last couple of months has been there constantly for me and been an absolute darling. I hope I can be as great a friend to you as you are to me.
Thanks Dili, for everything, along with helping me with this when I needed advice.
She lay alone, on her sofa, in anxiety. Her mind was absorbed with a million things, a million possibilities, a million thoughts. Ravaging all the happiness of her solace, the devil was playing tricks on her and finally she succumbed to her evil thoughts. She had tried so hard in the time that had elapsed, to become what they perceived her to be. Normal, thoughtful and and smile away, like she always had been, before the world turn black again. But with recent events, that had become too hard, too cumbersome. She had given in to the evil that was spreading in her, the darkness that made her desolate. Depression had caught on, and she let go, completely. With all these transformations, what she missed was her smile and the way her eyes twinkled. The last month had been tough, tougher than her childhood. Her childhood had taught her many things, one was the art of deception, and how not to let her feelings show to the world. But then she faltered, to a man she believed she loved.
A second to ponder
This was written by a newly aquainted but dear friend of mine. She has captured all the feelings I have been going through and I just wanted to say thank you, for being there and thank you for the lovely post. You truly are a beautiful person.
You can find her post at her blog called “MeThinks“. Her post – “To all the boys I have loved before”.
Dedicated to my Phoenix. An attempt at penning my emotions. I wrote this for you a long time ago, I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner.
In my time of sorrow and need, when the world seemed against me and I against it, you showered me with words I needed to find my strength to persevere. With every day that passes you make me want to find the lining, that is silver and shimmery, in the dark cloud that looms high above. To this day, no matter what, you are the reason I break my heart in pieces to know that my love is true, no matter how cold and twisted or kind and gentle, I have found love in you. With passing winds, the leaves turn orange, and with it the sunsets grow longer. As days go by, the night grows deeper, more meaningful that the last, with it the skies move past me, with the stars that shimmer luck. Though our love may be disheveled at first, in this cocoon I’ve found my home at last. As birds pass us by, flying at the pace that’s dear, with it will our hearts grow fonder, in hasty warmth and tears forth, may the call of flowing waterfalls brings us closer, in the Niagara that flows down clear.
End of Us
To sit here, past the journey we have come, and to have watched it pass by, I wonder would our bond ever have lasted, forever or evermore if our personalities had not taken sides? But as time proceeds stronger we grow day in and day out, to become beings of desire and absolution bidding adieu to that of hunger and desolation.
With due regard of everything that has been, we have parted and parted we shall seem. For whatever our past held in part, tomorrow won’t see its light, the door has closed, the sheen has died.
I wish you luck, with memoirs of what we once were, may you prosper and may you achieve your plights. With honour shall we walk away heads held high. You and I were what we were but now never to be again, the end of us has come, the reaper waits by our sides.