I own a Compaq 610 (dubbed Podi Maya) and I have had it for about less than 2 years. It’s been reliable so far, since the demise of my earlier laptop, Panik, I have solely relied on it to be my source of EVERYTHING. BUT, as of late, I have found out that the battery has gone kaput. Well, I realised that the battery had gone kaput about 6-9 months ago, because when I remove the cable, it only would stay ‘alive’ for 30 minutes and it would die. Before this started happening, it stayed on for 3 hours, which made me quite happy. It’s a good laptop, and for the price that I got it for, it was a deal ($750).
My only issue is that, due to the battery issues, the laptop is no more a laptop and is quite plugged in (to the matrix? Sorry I had to put that there). A new battery would cost a good 20k(LKR). When the power cable went bust and a new one cost me 16k (LKR). What I was wondering, was whether this is a model issue or just a HP issue (cos I had the same thing with my earlier HP laptop). Also had the cable to the earlier HP Laptop go bust, and then the battery. Or is it that the fluctuations in Electricity available in Sri Lanka is so unstable, due to the unforeseen power outages that it makes my electrical appliances go bust. I do have a trip switch which goes off at times like those, but are there sneaky attempts that go unseen? Also, the fact that I use so many multi plugs and extendable power cords to reach my desk, could that be it? I don’t know. I need a working laptop and I don’t want electricity playing havoc on my babies 😦
All I know is that all my work goes bust when the lights go off and sometimes I get the Autosaves and sometimes I don’t. I just got in trouble because I had sent the wrong copy of a document I had corrected but it hadn’t saved when the power went bust, and I thinking it was the right one, cos I ‘thought; I saved it, sent it right away. Darn.
Yeah, I think I should either scrounge up the cash for a new battery or even a new laptop. (Sad)
What is life but what seems to be an endless story that falls over itself in cascades and into tiers, and as a tier approaches, you age. You eat, you sleep and you dream in between the nights and days, from dusk to dawn. But do most of us really put thought into our lives, or do we merely ‘go with the flow’? Do we continue like robots, being programmed on a machine line or back in a secret lab no one is supposed to know about. If we’re the latter, well we must know that we are important and different, and if we are different how are we different. William Shakespeare said “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life, Is rounded with a sleep”. What I think he means is that we have our bubbles and we are safe in them and rarely move out of our comfort zones.
Do we live our lives like its meant to be your last, or do we just procrastinate and expect to wake up the next day and with new opportunities sprouting like ripe tomatoes growing in your back yard, filled with vegetation (if you didn’t procrastinate to water them, or lest make sure the sprinklers came on time – having programmed that too). What I meant to say is, do we go about like we’re living a dream and that we’ll live forever, or as one of my favourite quotes by James Dean goes, do you “dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today”. Because to me, the latter is what gives me the strength. I dream, and I live. Passionately. I’m happy when I’m happy, I’m angry when I’m angry. It may seem a little black and white when I put it like that, but to me, that’s me feeling, and when I am overcome by this drive that powers me, I can’t feel anything else but that pure adrenaline that keeps me going. Do I at times deter and deflect, when ailment and misfortunes come my way, I do. I am only human, and I have to let nourishment and time mend the bridges of whatever I am referring to and move on with life. The same life that I said I live passionately. I don’t take my life for granted. I don’t take opportunities given to me for granted, I take everything that comes my way with a skip. But that doesn’t mean I trip. Life dishes out the good and the bad, and the bad never comes knocking. And doing a balancing act is quite tough too, when you are trying to live your life to the fullest, because you also need to prioritise to manage your time.
Then, there’s love, and there’s friendship. When it comes to love, there are so many highs and with emotions and passion there will be puddles and there will be bumps on the road. But life comes with a ying and a yang, with love is the opposite with evil and the ugly side of life, just staring you down, making you quiver in a corner. It’s okay to be afraid, but it’s important to also stand up once you recover from it and find your bearing. Aldous Huxley said “Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you” so when life beats you down, just get back up and move on. And friendship comes in many sizes and shapes, and forms. It could be genuine and it would false, be aware of who your real friends are. If you are a nice person, don’t let the false friend turn you over to the dark side, come out the winner and don’t let them have their laugh. People will talk, people will judge, people will never attempt to see more that what they want to see, because they are limited, they are restricted, they are afraid to sometimes see that you may have something that they do not have, that they couldn’t possibly have and they might have insecurities of their own and that’s where they start pointing fingers and saying things about you which you do not deserve and they know you do not deserve. You have something they want and do not have, and in today’s age it’s easier to criticise and not praise when one finds themselves in such predicaments. It’s a sad affair, but sometimes nothing can be done.
If you come across such situations, its easier to shrug it off and be the bigger person. Sure it’s hurtful, but life was never supposed to be easy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. You can be aware of these things, but don’t let it take over your life. “Don’t worry, be happy” may be the biggest cliché in the book, but there’s truth in those words. The Dalai Lama said that the purpose of life is to be happy, and I agree. Shrug those worries off, and if you can’t, write them off, quite literally. Pour out your feelings into pen and paper, or on a Word processor and be done with them. I just did, and I feel better already.
Soft supple like a new babe’s bottom
the contours of your waist feels to my touch.
No sharp angle, no jutting sword
that springs out at you while you duel and jaunt
Round and shapely like a graceful pear
the curves of your hips call out to me in sight.
No box of secret, just a woman’s tale that wish-washes
when she walks seducing my eyes and the coils of my soul.
Strong and mighty like am amazon princesses,
the swift moves of your legs mesmerise the inner sanctum of my mind
No stilts of wood, just flesh and glory
that makes a manhood jolt as heels add to the magnificence of these two combined.
A marvel of the true world, a figure of 8,
the epitome of an hourglass slinking through time
to capture a life worth living, knowing and savouring
like expensive wine of a distinguished time.
There are days that all I want to do is work, work, and work some more, because frankly, all I really want to do is be busy, and stay busy and not really deal with the woes of my mind, my heart (well maybe not my heart, because it’s a party and then some with my Thar), and surroundings. The surrounding woes my mind, and that brings me down, like a house of cards. Today wasn’t such a day, and my mind is constantly being weighed down by all the thoughts that run through my head, where I have come to point I can’t speak. I simply cannot put a sentence together, because the voices in my head (I have 7 and they have names – Pav (the dominant personality), Portia, Piper, Page, Penelope, Prudence and Phoebe) are always speaking to each other, either ranting, conversing or simply consoling (which seem to be occurring more and more as of late). Anyways, whatever it is, it has affected me to the point where I zip and go on lock-down, and if I am in company, all I can do is listen (pretend or try extremely hard to listen (because let’s face it, when you’re listening to 7 voices in your head, do you really thing and 8th or even 9th voice coming through my ear drums will get past? I didn’t think so!)). I spaced out a few times during social gatherings and this is normally with my Thar’s friends because it normally happens in the nights. At most of the time, I really do try to listen but like I said, as of late, something has taken over me and I just can’t seem to figure out why it’s affecting my vocal cords, my thinking processes and why when I do open my mouth to say something, a)my speech dyslexia makes a comeback b)my pronunciation ends up being butchered and c) my vocabulary has gone on hiatus. It’s not pretty and I don’t enjoy it, because I am at times a perfectionist (and stubborn to boot) and when things don’t go my way or something hasn’t been done in the proper way, I sometimes get royally annoyed (even if it is with myself – yes, I am too hard on myself, but do people ever learn unless they are hard on themselves?).
This is me, and it gets awkward and sad sometimes. Hug back please. Cos, everyone wants to be hugged despite the awkwardness, like the Free Hug in Sondrio, Italy.
How’s it been? Long time, no see. Sadly, it is my fault, and well I apologise, profusely. Once training is over along with my exams, I shall surface on a more regular routine, and maybe even complete the 20 something drafts just lying around. Yes, more for that I say.
Now let’s see, what’s been happening?
I think I can safely say that I’m so bloomingly over the moon right now, that a blooming flower blooming over a full moon high on substance couldn’t possibly express the glee I’m feeling right about now. Yes, I know that it didn’t make sense, but Meh, sue me, I’m happy (please don’t, thank you very much)!
You are the reason for this happiness, and I would happily blame you for this punch-drunk grin on my face. The word “blame” even sounds so bad to me, and I don’t want it to be bad bad or sad sad, all I wanna be is Bamm Bamm happy.
Yes, I’m happy. Over the moon happy, and I really don’t wanna jinx it, but in the meantime nothing is really keeping me from screaming on top of my lungs on top of the tallest thing residing in the building (gets ready to climb the roof). So yes, I am happy *knocks on wood* I think we’ve established that fact already!
The last week, has been the happiest. I think I’ve lived a rather sad life if I said it was the happiest ever, so I won’t do my happy moments any injustice, and I’d go along and say that they’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a very very long time. And I’m not complaining. Bring on the happiness I say, and heck let’s spread it. It’s on the house!
Also, up until now, my life changing milestones had a direct correlation with my hair. I think my hair received a very bad deal last time, I mean cutting it off that short, after growing it for so long and at the length it reached (it was a first for me people -the length), and cutting it to signify a change and then when that change actually not sticking was after-all a bad idea. Since then I realised that I love my hair a bit more than I thought I did. So, for no regrets and for a change, I did something significant, I took pictures. One picture is the one I’ve attached below. I love photography, it’s close to my heart and with every picture I’ve taken, I’ve had no regrets so far, so in that light, here’s my lily.
To new beginnings, to happiness, to the Loony Bin 🙂 Cheers. ❤
I find myself smiling for no reason, in the most hilarious circumstances. Everytime I reach for the phone, I’m hoping it’s you, and when it is, it’s so evident to the people around me that there’s a difference in me. The girl I work with gives me this look, but doesn’t say anything. I find myself blaring music, jumping on the bed dancing, and I can happily blame you for all of it. I find myself smiling even when I’m doing the most dullest of chores, whether it’s making tea or ironing my clothes, I’m humming a little song and there’s a tiny bounce in my every step. Yep, definitely and happily blaming you for it all…
Every call, every text, every word, every <3, you melt my heart. The cynic in me, I have no idea what happened to her. I’m completely floored by you, and there’s not one minute I don’t think about you…
I’m finding it hard to tell you in person, and maybe it’s too soon to say… or maybe I’m a wee bit scared…But I hope you know what this means…
“The day we met was like a hit and run”…
…”we’re spinning on a roller coaster ride”
So the last 24 hours have been somewhat of a roller-coaster.
The ones that start really well, anticipation building up when you slowly but definitely get to the top of the first steep plunge of the ride. Yes, well after the plunge, your senses go on overdrive and while screaming “OMFCG Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” and then reverting to “OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE” and then finally settling “THAT WAS AWESOME, I can’t feel my legs”. Well, I think feeling has come back to my legs by now. Thanks, shall we proceed? Yes? Jolly Good!
I have always felt that we are born for a reason, for a purpose. In Buddhism, they say that we are born human because we have carried out some good deeds in our past, good karma if you will. I believe that to some extent. I like to think that we have at least done some good somewhere. It makes me feel warm inside.
Getting to my point, what I’m trying to say is that, as good as a motive karma is, we shouldn’t be given an incentive to carry out a good deed. In fact, it should be done because of the goodness of your heart. Whether its saving an animal from harm, helping out wherever you can, giving a free meal, or just being there for a person when in need, those should be done without any malice or incentive. Like DeeCee mentioned in her post, of how TukTuk drivers would help the blind lady cross the street, we need more of that. We really do.
I think we lack that in general, wanting to do good for others. Some may argue that society doesn’t deserve it, as in general they may be selfish. But, there are those few that do, and we should really take that into consideration, that just because a few are of the bunch are rotten, doesn’t make the entire batch a bad one.
I try my level best to do something everyday, something I can live with. Of course I’m not perfect. I try to be nice to everyone I meet, sometimes I get the bad end of the deal. I shrug it off, but I do get upset in the process. Yet I try.
Maybe we all should at least do one good deed everyday. Just one little thing. Whether it’s giving change to a beggar on the street, helping a woman cross the street, or even giving a friend a shoulder, an ear or a hug, do something. It might not be much, but hey it’s something. Do something, the world is literally going to the dogs. Not the puppy sort, the rabid ones geared to tear you to pieces.
I had a chat with Bestie’s little sister. She and I were always great friends. Sweet kid, I always had a soft spot for the little darling. I was able to talk to her last year when many didn’t understand why I liked the man I was head over heels in love with. I don’t know why anymore myself.
She understood why I needed to be friends with him, even after he moved on to another. She told me that people with ADD sometimes moved on quicker than usual, and were at times quite tough relationship wise.
But I was stubborn, I wanted to help him, even if it meant I was helping him be with “her“.I still remember him telling me “but Pav, I love her“. I wanted to fight for him, fight for us, and fight for what he wanted, which was “her“. In a way I’m still fighting, but with the memories of last year. But that’s in the past now, I’m looking towards the present. Moving on.
The little girl I knew has grown up, and I’m so proud of her. Going through a similar relationship wall, much like I did, she’s acted so maturely and I have never been more proud of her. Mourning her love, she put aside her emotions and went on with life. She literally got up, brushed herself off, and decided to go through life head held high. She’s truly a beautiful person, and whoever is deserving enough to be in her life, will truly be one lucky fella. And I’m truly lucky to have a friend like you.
You’re a good kid and I love you!
I have had one of those days you know, where you tend to look out into horizon and see a crow flying right at you, and all you can do is freeze there, cross-eyed as it comes straight at you and BAM, you’re left with a beak imprint, like a stamp saying “you’ve been Crow’d b*tch“, you know, like in “Punk’d”.
It started from last night, when I had a long chat with my cousin before heading out to bed, OR maybe even from the night before when I had a rather long chat with my pseudo-brother.
I have often been marred by nightmares. Actually, more often than I please. They would haunt me every night. Even an afternoon nap would turn dark and the best part is that I remember them in great detail, and let me tell you they were dark. But not anymore.
Since of late, I cannot wait to fall asleep and dream, because when I close my eyes, the only thing I think of is you, and when dreams come, I see you. Tall, broad, like a pillar you’d stand and I’d be awed. Conversations feel so real, I sometimes puzzle myself, I truly do. Because, when I wake, it’s as if I never left reality, because everything seemed so real. Everything down to the way you would stand in front of me, and say “Hi“. And I would adore you for it.
So much has changed. December was truly a turnaround. The passing of 2009 went up with the fireworks my Dad lit up (like a little kid, he loves his fireworks), while Mother and I were looking into the open hearth and the pot of milk that wouldn’t boil fast enough. I like playing with fire. I know I shouldn’t, then again no-one ever said I’m normal. The milk did boil, and it spilled North bound. Apparently, that’s a good omen. I don’t know, I never did pay attention to old wives’ tales.
I’ve gone back to the person I know I am. And the best part is that, my positive thinking is back, as well as my love for cooking, especially Italian (I made pasta today, with homemade tomato puree). Also, I’m going back to being a vegetarian. I guess this year, I’m going to love myself more, because by doing so, I’ll appreciate life. Let’s face it, Life IS awesome.
I’m off to gorge on more Pasta and home-made tomato puree…
There are days when you can’t possibly make sense of the things around you. You know, to not fully grasp what’s going on around you, ultimately nothing really sinking in, and letting you float about with a half grin fazed look on your face. How I wished today was one of them, sadly it wasn’t. Late drivers, misplaced hospital files, so much prodding, poking, needle pricking and blood taking later, they also get me to fast for tomorrow’s scan.
Today was somewhat of a roller-coaster. The number of blood tests they did on me were quite staggering. I took a look at the 8 sheets of prescribed blood-work and thought, so I might not be able to give blood for some time. Quite sad, I enjoy donating blood, as dizzy as it makes me. And after drawing blood, I was quite woozy and light headed.
If tomorrow’s scan goes well, I might have surgery in the near future, along with an invasive procedure. Ah, the nurse couldn’t have been more right, I AM a walking & talking medical enigma 🙂
Ah but despite the impeding hospital stint, much like last years (for Acute Bronchitis), this year did start with charitable deeds and no resolutions (quite strange that). However, I know my heart is in the right place (if you know what I mean) and this little bump won’t hinder the 352 more days to come.
I don’t know, but for some reason, I’m extremely blue today.
I have no one that’s mine to call my own, a lover, someone who’ll put me to sleep, tell me they love me, so that when I wake up the next day, I’ll rise with a smile, and await their sweet voice.
I have no job to keep me busy, no job security, no income and therefore no freedom, no independence, and ultimately no standing in my family, in society, in myself.
I have my education, but one that is missing a lot. At least I have that.Then again, I don’t believe I’m giving it my all.
My relationship with the family is harried, I really don’t enjoy being confined within these walls, all I want to do is scream and run away. I would if I could.
I think to be in love, but only that which is unrequited or in this case unknown to the person I seem to be falling for, madly. Such is my luck, ever bare.
I wish, this New Years, that my life would turn around and be better for me, bring me joy, bring me some sort of hope, because day by day, I feel lost, numb, gone. I feel like I’m fading into nothing and no one can stop me, no one can save me, and in turn it scares me. It does, I have never been this scared of anything in my life, and here I am unable to take a step forward because I don’t know what it’ll hold. I want to be safe, reassured and therefore complacent of what is already in my life, but then I look at my life and I see nothing. Nothing that would render it useful, fulfilling, and meaningful.
The only thing that binds me to his life, to some form of happiness is my dear friends, and I am thankful for them. However, they will also be gone in the near future, leaving me as bare as I feel now, just more completely. I am only being realistic, life is such, but deep down I hope that it will never happen.
And therefore I’m scared. Extremely, inexplicably. I don’t know what I can do about it though. Right now I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of. But eventually, like I have been trying in the last few weeks, I seem to be crawling out of this hole that I’ve fallen into, and I hope by the turn of the year, I will indeed have surfaced onto the crust and bid adieu to the pit that’s honed me for the last few months.
Ever had a shower in the rain, with the sky above you and stone walls all around you? A garden shower, open to the sky.
Open, naked, free.
Did you feel the water fall upon your head, drop by drop, then cascading down your face, your nudity, down below, to meet with stone. Whilst the water flows through your body, like the soothing sugar that has flowed through your lungs into the blood stream taking over the power you possess, letting go, surrealism taking over, the water takes you away. The water becomes you and you become the water.
Then the wind pays a visit, and chills run down your spine, taking leadership over water, and you catch a glimpse of sunlight in your eye. Amidst the water and the breeze, the sunbeams blind you, and the wind rushes through your wet hair.
You are naked, vulnerable, fetal.
With darkness resounding, the wind and water take over once more, and yet you see nothing, your eyes have been shielded by your eye lids, and darkness has become you. Yet, the power struggle continues, the wind and the water. Soothing coolness or stinging chills. Emerging out of thin air, you at your most vulnerable form, you are in the middle of a battle that would take you under, and away from worldly woes, if you succumb to it.
As you circle the depths of the power that emerges, you begin to struggle for the air the sugar has stolen. Engulfed in the powers of two elements, your hands grope for something to grab onto, but all you catch is puff of wind, that disintegrates on touch.
But, as you detach from the water, the wind loses sight of you, and all you feel is coldness, the coldness of stone on skin. And as the cold takes you under its wings, it takes you away from the chills and the darkness. Your blindness gone, realisation dawning, to the fact you are bare, naked, reborn. A new life before you, you emerge, taking a step forward, unsure.
Tumbling against the walls that hold you high, you make your way to your destination, that’s higher towards the clouds, above the boulders, above the rocks, above the foliage. More sure of your stead, your body than before. You take in the surroundings as touch takes you places you’ve never been before, you feel things you’ve never felt before, and that emotion is taking over you, the sugar has intoxicated you.
You are not you.
You are more.
It’ll take you higher, flying. You have wings, like that of an eagle, a falcon, a phoenix, you soar. And then you will be at the top with the beckoning sound of promise, as it calls you further towards the edge, the edge where risk and adrenaline lie.
The promise will tell you stories of wonder and light. With the darkness that has engulfed your mind, light is what you long for. Tumbling towards the edge you go, each step more sure than the last, you jump, into an endless pit, of betrayal that is as deep as your longing and you fall forever but one.
And then, you are gone, cleansed, yet alone. Just you, and the sugar that’s been dissolved into your very soul.
There’s something wonderful of having a pet. Not only are they the loyal type if you have a dog, or a cat that thinks its a dog, but they are also the lovable type (yes, the cat who think it’s a dog is the same). The dog who was Zoffy isn’t with us anymore, but there’s a chance that Broonie (who’s currently with our grandparents) will return, and then there’s Yellow Bird the kitty, who’s the reason why I’m posting today.
Yellow Bird refuses to be ignored, and makes a spectacle of himself whenever he pounces on my bed, and makes me pet him. If I attempt to ignore him he will either use my laptop screen, or modem dongle as a scratching post and then sit on my lap and half of the laptop keyboard. I seriously just cannot be mad at him, he’s just too adorably cute.
Now today, this morning that is, I wake up groggy and with a headache, and who do I find next to me curled up in a ball? None other than Mr. Yellow Bird himself. Once again not only is he species-confused, he sometimes is gender-confused as well, but I’ll leave that story for another time. So, there he was next to me, nicely taking my warmth, and I because I thought he looked so cute, took my own sheet and covered him up, and snuggled with him. Petting his head, and making little noises with my throat, stroking his head with my chin, he then he started purring and crooning. And I, crooned right back. There we were crooning to each other, snuggled together nice and tight, and I thought this is unbelievably cute. Yellow Bird and I. In bed, making “meow”-y noises to one another. I just thought I’d share it with you all. I hope this brightens up your day.
I was lucky enough to meet a really great friend, who in the last couple of months has been there constantly for me and been an absolute darling. I hope I can be as great a friend to you as you are to me.
Thanks Dili, for everything, along with helping me with this when I needed advice.
She lay alone, on her sofa, in anxiety. Her mind was absorbed with a million things, a million possibilities, a million thoughts. Ravaging all the happiness of her solace, the devil was playing tricks on her and finally she succumbed to her evil thoughts. She had tried so hard in the time that had elapsed, to become what they perceived her to be. Normal, thoughtful and and smile away, like she always had been, before the world turn black again. But with recent events, that had become too hard, too cumbersome. She had given in to the evil that was spreading in her, the darkness that made her desolate. Depression had caught on, and she let go, completely. With all these transformations, what she missed was her smile and the way her eyes twinkled. The last month had been tough, tougher than her childhood. Her childhood had taught her many things, one was the art of deception, and how not to let her feelings show to the world. But then she faltered, to a man she believed she loved.
Days pass by me, as I wonder my purpose in life, the cause for deeds done and the reasons why I have been alive. Almost scrupulous, near promiscuous, this is wrong I tell myself. I know it is, but where do I stop myself from being thus? When will the past remind me where I must draw the line? Sadly and slowly, I succumb to the emptiness that my heart has come to be. I alone will struggle through the depths of forgiveness, in myself I must find, the deeds of wrong and those of right that have passed with minutes passing. Even with forgiveness unto myself, my mind will not allow me desired sleep tonight.
I trudge along a path of no absolution, a desire that runs deep within. Carnal pleasures resound, these walls mimic its stories, but with depression it has bound me slave to cynicism and narcissism both. Shameful and with due penance by the Lord, I live in fear of judgment at the gates. I loathe the sinner rooted within me with purpose, dragging me to the evils that I possess. Letting the good die, writhing in pain and never in light. Darkness arrives, with determination and deceit. Power fills the senses, leaving the mind marred and broken in tears. The liar lies laden with gold, reaping triumphant jubilation, but alas the truth is buried six feet below. As the last light dies from within, smirks of truths untold lie on irritated lips. Spake it aloud cried my mind, or forever lie unjust, the world spins not on lies but painful lust.
Dedicated to my Phoenix. An attempt at penning my emotions. I wrote this for you a long time ago, I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner.
In my time of sorrow and need, when the world seemed against me and I against it, you showered me with words I needed to find my strength to persevere. With every day that passes you make me want to find the lining, that is silver and shimmery, in the dark cloud that looms high above. To this day, no matter what, you are the reason I break my heart in pieces to know that my love is true, no matter how cold and twisted or kind and gentle, I have found love in you. With passing winds, the leaves turn orange, and with it the sunsets grow longer. As days go by, the night grows deeper, more meaningful that the last, with it the skies move past me, with the stars that shimmer luck. Though our love may be disheveled at first, in this cocoon I’ve found my home at last. As birds pass us by, flying at the pace that’s dear, with it will our hearts grow fonder, in hasty warmth and tears forth, may the call of flowing waterfalls brings us closer, in the Niagara that flows down clear.