I lie awake, minutes after midnight, pondering on thoughts that are really not meant to be thought about at this time of the night. The reason being that my body has not only begun its process of shutting itself down by the second, but also because that the lack of sleep would cause me to think erratically bringing me more hurt than good. But this is a common thing in my life.
As a dedicated insomniac, this pattern of sleep doesn’t bring me any comfort or peace of mind, on the contrary. I lie awake till the next day and the one after that, or if I’m really lucky, I would sleep out of exhaustion or self annihilation. The sleeping out of exhaustion normally happens after a couple of days of thorough insomniaty. I’m pretty sure I made that word up. “Insomniaty”. I define it to be the state of insomnia. Self-annihilation is something I don’t want to feel, ever! It’s when I go “Kaboom”.
Anyways, as I ponder on these thoughts of insomnia, I always see a direct connection to the days and nights, where I have waited for merciful sleep and not gotten any. No, not “getting any” in that way, I meant in the form of getting any sleep. I would directly correlate this to my coffee addiction. Normally coffee would keep me chirpy and up. But as of late, I haven’t drunk much coffee, which really sucks in my life, because coffee really makes me happy, along with making me smell like coffee beans. It’s a good smell, trust me. I like smelling of coffee, because not only is this world infested with coffee addicts, but also it reminds me of the happiness my coffee brings. When my coffee isn’t there, my happiness dies away. This is sad, still, because I haven’t gotten any of that too. I’m not getting any in any way. I’m unlucky like that. Anyways, my life has been kinda shitty in the last month or so. This correlates to the time I went off my coffee bean addiction.
So, let’s count backwards. I haven’t been happy. Nor have I had any coffee. But also I haven’t had any good night sleep (come coffee or not) nor have I been chirpy. But, if I had coffee I would have been chirpy, and I would have eventually gotten some sleep out of exhaustion, and I would have still been happy, in some form. But since I haven’t, I am not so happy.
This defines doom really. See, being a Happy Insomniac is better than being a Sad Insomniac. So, I concur, even if you are a coffee addict who suffers from Insomnia, Coffee is your friend, let it love you. Shunning it out of your life because Caffeine is a bad man doesn’t do you any good. Sure, your mother warned you about guys like Mr. Caffeine Man. But really, when did your mother have a say in your love life anyway? So, love all around, when the Caffeine Man is in town.
So, Drink Coffee! It will get your mind focused, your work done, expand your nights into many a hour, keep you running like you’ve got jet fuelled pumped into you, but most importantly, you’ll be chirpier than a chipper bird on crack. 🙂 Enjoy your coffee people. It’s here to stay. And, it tastes divine. Amen.
Days pass by me, as I wonder my purpose in life, the cause for deeds done and the reasons why I have been alive. Almost scrupulous, near promiscuous, this is wrong I tell myself. I know it is, but where do I stop myself from being thus? When will the past remind me where I must draw the line? Sadly and slowly, I succumb to the emptiness that my heart has come to be. I alone will struggle through the depths of forgiveness, in myself I must find, the deeds of wrong and those of right that have passed with minutes passing. Even with forgiveness unto myself, my mind will not allow me desired sleep tonight.
I trudge along a path of no absolution, a desire that runs deep within. Carnal pleasures resound, these walls mimic its stories, but with depression it has bound me slave to cynicism and narcissism both. Shameful and with due penance by the Lord, I live in fear of judgment at the gates. I loathe the sinner rooted within me with purpose, dragging me to the evils that I possess. Letting the good die, writhing in pain and never in light. Darkness arrives, with determination and deceit. Power fills the senses, leaving the mind marred and broken in tears. The liar lies laden with gold, reaping triumphant jubilation, but alas the truth is buried six feet below. As the last light dies from within, smirks of truths untold lie on irritated lips. Spake it aloud cried my mind, or forever lie unjust, the world spins not on lies but painful lust.