Amongst the Thorns, She Fights!

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I’m waiting

I’m an accident waiting to happen…

I’m a bomb waiting to go off…

I’m a flower waiting to bloom…

I’m a babe waiting to be born…

I’m waiting…

…. for you to come around…


OH NOES. EXAMS!

Yes, exam time is here for me once again. WHAT you ask? “CIM“, she says in a meek voice.

Yes, I’ll be sitting for CIM not tomorrow but the day after. *GULPS, in slow motion as beads of  perspiration appear on her forehead*

My facebook status has had three  nay four CIM updates so far. Behold;

28th May : The next two weeks are going to be something. #CIM, here I come!

4th June : Lunch, water, energy drink, shortnotes, water, energy drink, shortnotes, water, energy drink, shortnotes, dinner, and the cycle continues… *sigh* #CIM

6th June : CIM doomsday approaching… fast fast *runs away screaming*

7th June: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek CIM CIM CIM *chanting continues* OMG A CIM TRIBAL SACRIFICE, they are going to eat me aliiiiiiiiiiiiive. SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE ME, SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE ME *freaking out here!!!!!* *dies*

Yes, I’m slowly losing my mind. Happens every time I have exams. Last year I opted to try the nonchalant “what? I have exams? I’m gonna wing it!” I winged it and passed. BUT see this year, it’s the last time the old syllabus will be held and therefore the old green monster CIM UK is actually looming overhead telling me that IF I don’t sit for it and pass, he’ll gobble me up I will have to redo the entire stage in the new syllabus or something like that. Yes. One of the two.

What am I doing here? Well, I came to look for example of Channel Intermediaries and realised THAT I MUST CHECK GMAIL/TWITTER/FACEBOOK/LATITUDE/MY-VIRTUAL-PET-TURTLES erm yes, not going so well with the staying away from all TEMPTATION.

Anyways, that’s when I came across THE YOUTUBE and found this awesome video. BEHOLD AND BE AWED.

Right. I think I’ll go now and do those past papers like the  Cutie-on-the-bleachers The-Dude-in-the-video said. Erm *looks shift*

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI. WISH ME LUCK….because I’ll surely die.

Or as I like to call it, the Head Desker 2000Z


It’s all very Meh, ya see?

I’m not the world’s best confrontational person, or maybe I am (because some days I’m ready to break down doors and the others not so much, but lest to say I don’t go picking fights). I love that the past has made me the way I am today, but I don’t like getting reminded of the past day in and day out, because well, my past ain’t too great. And when I do get around to reminiscing every tiny bit (because I am OCD like that), I get really torn up about and it takes me a while to let things ease out into normalcy.

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The Good, The Bad and the Wrong

Those who know me, know that I’m not overly religious. I follow the Buddhist philosophy, and I stick to the principles identified within that framework, with a vengeance at times. This, however, also leaves me in a bit of disarray, as Buddhism being a philosophy turned religion (in the minds of the people (that is,  followers, practitioners, inter alia), it has evolved from a mere way of life to what I would call a business (because save for a few religious heads, it is JUST that).

One thing that always happens around religious times and when I visit temple, is where I get extremely puzzled on my life and how it has turned out to be. See my life hasn’t been a bed of roses or a walk in the park to say the least, and along the way, this person who used to breathe Buddhism as a religion and follow it quite well (because that was I was brought up that way by my grandparents, despite the Christian learnings I’ve had to partake in whilst I was abroad), I stuck to my guns and I was religious. When I used to give thanks at the table and my mother wanted me to be more Buddhist, I did so without being asked twice (though I was confused as my Catholic cousins would carry onto). Now, I was always a curious child and every questioning (which was often reciprocated with a yell of frustration or smack (cos I tend to ask the darndest things ya know?)). Anyways, when it came to matter of religious following, I didn’t question my mother on it, but did as I was told.  BUT, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t confused about the dynamics of it all.

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The Path…

Another attempt at prose…

Walking down this lonely darkened road, a familiar pathway trodden down upon just a yonder ago. I see the signs that this road held last year, which led me down a future that I’ve made past with, home to battle scars and fear.

Looking closely into the signs I see and ponder, should I let them lead me where I was last, or should I stop to investigate the footprints in the sand. Should I inquire from the only soul in sight, a man that’s tall and dark, yet not dark as night.

Oh this familiar path, it haunts me, so much so that my nights are ever cruel. Every time I trudge along way of the dark, the cold, it mocks me with eerie taunts and I weep with reddened tears aloud.

Drawn in magnetism to the bleak end of the road, drenched in sudden solemn “Turn away”, my conscience calls. But the smog almost reels me in with mysterious songs and I hear the evil snickers of promises of being led to where I unduly belonged.

Alone, cold and reeled into the curious cloud of body made of my fears, with it all, down this path I’ll be led. Down it I shall be taken, even to my death bed. For this path, so cruel yet so close to my skin, has become the reason of my only sin.

By Lady-Amarillis

Recapping…

Hello World.

How’s it been? Long time, no see. Sadly, it is my fault, and well I apologise, profusely. Once training is over along with my exams, I shall surface on a more regular routine, and maybe even complete the 20 something drafts just lying around. Yes, more for that I say.

Now let’s see, what’s been happening?

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The Storm and I

There’s something about watching the rain, cascading down upon us all in angry tears, that mesmerizes me to great lengths. It’s almost beautiful,  almost sincere. I could stare at it and not realise the time pass by. I watch it pour as I make my way home to the confines of my own personal prison, the confines of my bed. As I watch the drop hit the glass, I can’t help but feel a connection, to a time not long ago. I remember how I used to let it pour, where my tears never ran out.

I was angry, sad, numb yet overpowered by the need to want this pain to stop and torn between wanting to just will myself away unto the next birth. With the lashes of lighting in the form of reality I received from beauteous friends, and the thunder that I heard from them whenever I reached a new low  than the time before,  I still found it hard to fully part, detach and restart my cycle of what should have been the calm after the storm. The storm had taken me, I couldn’t part with the pain, the misery. It had swallowed me whole. I was an alien in my own body, a mass that lived for the sake of living, and I couldn’t make sense of the person I had become. Everyday was a battle against myself, a debate on life or death, sanity or anarchy.

But now, as I look forward, I see the rain hit the windscreen, a drop heavier than the last, and as the wipers wipe it away swiftly, I can now connect to it. My pain is slowly but definitely being swept away. Wherever it has faded to, I don’t miss it, I don’t mourn it. I smile that it has finally left me and moved on, with the rainbows making an appearance, dazzling with colour  formed out of thin air. The calm is approaching, the sun is dawning through the dark clouds that threatened to break me and tear me to pieces.

And I, I feel safe, warm and overcome with a feeling I find hard to describe.

Like a single ray of sunshine, you shine down on me. Flirting with the colours of the rainbow, you bring me the purple that fills up my life. For you I’m thankful. To you, I give my love.

by scoot75


So, Piper makes an entrance…

Social Networks, continue to give me minor heart attacks. Like whenever they want to throw it out there at times when I’m not ready to take it in, or deal with it just yet. Same difference though, yeah?

Of course, this is because I’m one insecure girl, who’s also very good at keeping her emotions at bay (23 years of hard training – not easy this stuff, and I’m still learning to be numb)… but sometimes, like the gaps between my cupped hands, the sand falls through my fingers and those are what causes my little heart attacks. Damned cracks.

People who really know me, know the little girl inside of me, not the boy though. It should be noted that I’ve always aspired to be a boy when I grow up, how that’s ever going to come about, is the million dollar question.I’m quite attached to my female bits you see. Whilst I’ll just have to deal with the little boy inside of me, the little girl never knew that she’s this insecure, but is a masochist enough or maybe just understanding enough to swallow the lump in her throat and take the world by it’s horns. Then again, I’m insecure when it comes to things that matter to me, and I never (try to) take it for granted. Oh well, by it’s horns it is. These bulls are quite something eh? Strong beasts.

Ah, but it’s so hard you know, especially when you have a horned dwarfed minion whispering little enticing nothings into your head, filling your head up with nonsense.  I shall try not to be insane. I shall try to keep Piper (YES, I named the horned dwarfed minion) at bay, Keeping PIPER at bay. NO PIPER DON’T COME OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT! *fights with Piper*!!!!$%$&IU&I*PO*^&EW*E(*O*(*&#$^!!!! *sees hands and legs stick out of dust ball forming, out comes a bloody and roughed-up Pav* I thinks I won.

So it’s pouring cats and dogs, and I’m here writing a post, without the internet cos Mother pulled out the router cable. And I’m trying (trying being the operative word) to finish up my project which was supposed to have been typed out 2 days ago. So meh, I miss my coffee, a world without caffeine sucks balls =/

*grudgingly returns to the report*


Ella, this April

My family is one of spontaneity. No really. One moment, they’d be all happy and gay, and then next, screaming banshees would be put to shame. Then there are those times when you’d be lazy and decide we aren’t going to do anything over the long weekend/holiday, and then out of nowhere, someone suggests (in this instance Yours Truly), why don’t we all go somewhere. Last time it was to Boulder Garden, which I thoroughly enjoyed. This time, I thought  maybe somewhere cool and where the hills are green and where the troubles are left behind.

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April New Years

Sinhala and Tamil New Year is always a very nice affair. It starts with food preparation from at least a week prior to the day, and then there’s the cleaning, and oh the shopping of new clothes and gifts for others. Then the day comes, and there’s the lighting of the hearth and the crackers going off, and gorging on sweet and oily sweets, the food plate distribution and then off to see the relatives.

Now, about this food plate distribution business, it’s quite something. Like, for example, House A brings you a plate of deliciousness, you take it from their hands with wishes and thanks, and then stock the plate up with your goodies and go back to House A to give them the plate. Now, normally the point is to distribute YOUR goodies, but sometimes that doesn’t necessarily happen. I noticed today, how some have sneakily attempted to capitalise on just one plate. Like, for example, in the previous example, we saw that House A gifts a plate to House B (that would be you) and then you return to House A with your plate. Now, notice that YOU wouldn’t send back the same plate but would have stocked it up with delicious goodies. But, with the food plate capitalisation plan, House A would take House B’s plate and send it to House C, and then you get the same cycle. I watched this happen in front of my eyes. Our plate, got sent to the Rajakaruna’s. I was like “wtf man”

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I like this game…

… and you know, I like you too, a lot. I think it’s cute that Ammi is giving me relationship advice and telling me what I shouldn’t do. This bonding thing is quite something, and I have you to thank for it. ❤

And from the insane conversations we have, to the random “Hi” and the sweetest things you do, I am floored, more each day than the last and I can’t help smiling like a Cheshire cat, cos baby, order or no order, I have no control over it.

I’ve been smiling more, living more and my heart has a beat that I thought had died last year. You are an awesome, awesome person, many kinds of wunderbar in one. ❤

PS: HUGGLES!


To you…

Dear N,

As I sit here, listening to you, my heart breaks for you… It’s hard to express what I’m feeling, because it’s such a mixture of so many. Anger? pain? sorrow? *wanting to break her face*?

Anyway I hope with time, you will find the path to trust, to walk on the shards of glass left behind, to love…

I, as always, will be around, with a duster and brush as well as a first aid kit, so that I can sweep up those very shards and even patch you up if you bleed.

You are one of the best people I’ve met in a long, long time, and I hope you know how much you mean to me…

Love,

P.


Bring on the Happyness <3

I think I can safely say that I’m so bloomingly over the moon right now, that a blooming flower blooming over a full moon high on substance couldn’t possibly express the glee I’m feeling right about now. Yes, I know that it didn’t make sense, but Meh, sue me, I’m happy (please don’t, thank you very much)!

You are the reason for this happiness, and I would happily blame you for this punch-drunk grin on my face. The word “blame”  even sounds so bad to me, and I don’t want it to be bad bad or sad sad, all I wanna be is Bamm Bamm happy.

Yes, I’m happy. Over the moon happy, and I really don’t wanna jinx it, but in the meantime nothing is really keeping me from screaming on top of my lungs on top of the tallest thing residing in the building (gets ready to climb the roof). So yes, I am happy *knocks on wood* I think we’ve established that fact already!

The last week, has been the happiest.  I think I’ve lived a rather sad life if I said it was the happiest ever, so I won’t do my happy moments any injustice, and I’d go along and say that they’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a very very long time. And I’m not complaining. Bring on the happiness I say, and heck let’s spread it. It’s on the house!

Also, up until now, my life changing milestones had a direct correlation with my hair. I think my hair received a very bad deal last time, I mean cutting it off that short, after growing it for so long and at the length it reached (it was a first for me people -the length), and cutting it to signify a change and then when that change actually not sticking was after-all a bad idea. Since then I realised that I love my hair a bit more than I thought I did. So, for no regrets and for a change, I did something significant, I took pictures. One picture is the one I’ve attached below. I love photography, it’s close to my heart and with every picture I’ve taken, I’ve had no regrets so far, so in that light, here’s my lily.

To new beginnings, to happiness, to the Loony Bin 🙂 Cheers. ❤


<3

I find myself smiling for no reason, in the most hilarious circumstances. Everytime I reach for the phone, I’m hoping it’s you, and when it is, it’s so evident to the people around me that there’s a difference in me. The girl I work with gives me this look, but doesn’t say anything. I find myself blaring music, jumping on the bed dancing, and I can happily blame you for all of it.  I find myself smiling even when I’m doing the most dullest of chores, whether it’s making tea or ironing my clothes, I’m humming a little song and there’s a tiny bounce in my every step. Yep, definitely and happily blaming you for it all…

Every call, every text, every word, every <3, you melt my heart. The cynic in me, I have no idea what happened to her. I’m completely floored by you, and there’s not one minute I don’t think about you…

I’m finding it hard to tell you in person, and maybe it’s too soon to say… or maybe I’m a wee bit scared…But I hope you know what this means…

“The day we met was like a hit and run”…

…”we’re spinning on a roller coaster ride”


Let’s live shall we?

There’s something truly heartwarming to see your favourite kitty (not so small anymore, he’s over a year old now), snuggled against your pillow on a rainy day, and while you look at him sleeping, he opens his eyes slightly, and meows in this tone that he only reserves for me. ❤ My Yellow Bird and I, we’ll always have each other ❤

Okay, so yeah. I have a rather fond affinity to my yellow and white male cat. He’s loving, he cuddly and best of all he wants me over everybody else, and makes me feel loved even though he always demands to sit between my hands while I’m typing something on the laptop. I get mad, but how could you be mad at such a cute furry ball of white and gold sunshine. His meow is as good as Zoff‘s nuzzle and whimper as he used to wake me up, very early in the morning. Though you can’t be replaced, maybe JT’s Archer can creep into my heart and take a permanent residence in it. I know that he’s as cute as it gets and hyper as a hyper ball of furry sunshine gets.

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You.

Who are you? I’m not going to say. BUT I hope you know who you are.

I’ve never been the patient one. I wanna know, don’t you want to know? Because I’m dying to know. PLEASE. I’m miserable trying to decipher you.

Also, JT explained to me the Game of Life, and there are instances where the going gets tough, and this is one such time, and I echo JT when I say “I don’t like this game”. Never really did like it, but was an involuntary player.

But seriously, I need to know, because I feel like I’m  going insane trying to figure you out, cos when I take two steps forward, I’m more confused than ever.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


Sunday…

The last week has been a rollercoaster. I’ve been looking behind me more than I have ever done before.

I feel paranoid, like all the time, but I think I haven’t felt this lighthearted in a while, and if I may, sixteen.

But today, was something out of a bad nightmare. Then again home is for me at least. It’s like I don’t belong. I know where I belong and that’s with my grandparents. I miss them, and I don’t visit as often, because they live 2 hours away. But with all the shit that’s been happening around me, visiting them today, and seeing their smiling faces cheered me up instantly.

Over 80, wrinkled and soft, they are probably the only two people in the world who love me unconditionally, and I them.


Oh Boy.

I think that defines what I feel right now.

What do I feel right now, I’m between excitement and shock.

Why do I feel it? Oh god I wish I knew. Which returns me to the original exclamation. Oh Boy!

:S

Okay, so I should be going without spending more time going oh boy and blogging about it.

Oh BOY!


Overflow & Recovery

I think everyone wants to be okay. I mean, we spend so much time convincing ourselves. I know I have, for so long.

But there comes a time that you just can’t put up that farce no more, where you just can’t grin and bear the pain that you feel. I think I did enough of that, and now I’m transitioning, properly and definitely.

I like to believe that I’m okay, but sometimes I think who am I kidding.

Nothing is really right, I guess. Well, I think the only things that I adore about my life right about now is this great girl who makes me smile whenever she pops into my consciousness, my dream job and my hobbies and the fact that I am alive. Also, I have some really great understanding friends, who make me feel like I should live. I can’t handle people who try to bring me down everytime I talk to them, one of the many reasons I keep away, I don’t need it.

I think I’m mourning still, I guess I still haven’t gotten over it. But, life does go on, though I really don’t ever wanna forget the great people I am mourning. These two individuals were really something, they lived life to the fullest, rest in peace my friends.

Yesterday, I had a chat with a friend of mine from work, and he said I should go back to being who I used to be, because I think what he meant to say was, that I can’t wallow. And that really hit me. So, today I made an effort. I smiled more, I laughed more, I played the fool more, and I felt more home in my skin than I have in over an year.

I still miss my girl, I miss hanging out with my friends, and I’m really glad I’ve reconnected more with old friends and some new friends, such as Nu and Indie Jay.

I know this is a very disconnected post, but I think I’m tired after so much trying. But good yeah?

Anyways, I wrote a poem called Overflow. It’s different from anything I’ve written in a while, but that’s how I feel.

Going in for some alone “me” time, I think I need it 🙂


Concussions and Nepotism.

So, over two weeks ago, I had an accident.

Anyone who knows me well, or even not so well, would know I’m pretty accident prone, or would even  go as far to say that Murphy, that little bastard was laughing his head off when I was created, cos since I have been born, I have had these little, or not so little, “accidents”.

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Rest in Peace, Niomi.

Dearest Niomi, you were strong, endearing and loyal to the core. You fought for everything you believed was right, and loved the ones you loved to the core. With every tear that is shed you are remembered in our hearts, and in our hearts you will live on.

I know you are in a better place. Rest in peace, my friend. Your legacy will live on in your kin. Rest In Peace!!!

Clothed in White

Clothed in white
she sleeps serenely
an innocent smile
upon her pink lips
mocking the beautiful dreams
her gracefully shut eyes
will never see,
her life has ended
her dreams are gone
her life remembered
and memory pleasantly
reminisced by all
amongst the stars
she will peek and
smile upon us all
shower us with star dust
and wish us joy and love
until she moves on
bidding us all adieu
her love will flow through us
her heart will live on in ours
holding our hands
she will be here
forever, and more.

When I wrote this poem earlier, it came to me one night. It just came to me, and sometimes these things do. I have times where I get a sense of dejavu, and right now, that is all I’m sensing. It’s like this poem was meant for her, for you Niomi.

I hope you are in a better place, I hope you aren’t hurting anymore. I hope you’re home. You will be missed by all.

Rest in Peace, Niomi.

Life is a Rollercoaster?

So the last 24 hours have been somewhat of a roller-coaster.

The ones that start really well, anticipation building up when you slowly but definitely get to the top of the first steep plunge of the ride. Yes, well after the plunge, your senses go on overdrive and while screaming “OMFCG Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” and then reverting to “OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE” and then finally settling “THAT WAS AWESOME, I can’t feel my legs”. Well, I think feeling has come back to my legs by now. Thanks, shall we proceed? Yes? Jolly Good!

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In Deed.

I have always felt that we are born for a reason, for a purpose. In Buddhism, they say that we are born human because we have carried out some good deeds in our past, good karma if you will. I believe that to some extent. I like to think that we have at least done some good somewhere. It makes me feel warm inside.

Getting to my point, what I’m trying to say is that, as good as a motive karma is, we shouldn’t be given an incentive to carry out a good deed. In fact, it should be done because of the goodness of your heart. Whether its saving an animal from harm, helping out wherever you can, giving a free meal, or just being there for a person when in need, those should be done without any malice or incentive. Like DeeCee mentioned in her post, of how TukTuk drivers would help the blind lady cross the street, we need more of that. We really do.

I think we lack that in general, wanting to do good for others. Some may argue that society doesn’t deserve it, as in general they may be selfish. But, there are those few that do, and we should really take that into consideration, that just because a few are of the bunch are rotten, doesn’t make the entire batch a bad one.

I try my level best to do something everyday, something I can live with. Of course I’m not perfect. I try to be nice to everyone I meet, sometimes I get the bad end of the deal. I shrug it off, but I do get upset in the process.  Yet I try.

Maybe we all should at least do one good deed everyday. Just one little thing. Whether it’s giving change to a beggar on the street, helping a woman cross the street, or even giving a friend a shoulder, an ear or a hug, do something. It might not be much, but hey it’s something. Do something, the world is literally going to the dogs. Not the puppy sort, the rabid ones geared to tear you to pieces.


Not Broken…

You know how free, safe, warm, and right you feel when the storm is over and the sea is calm again. I feel that way now. Because now, it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I know that because, when I listen to beautiful songs I couldn’t bear to listen to before I don’t feel my cheeks wet with salty tears, I don’t feel my heart breaking into millions pieces, my love wasted on a soul who didn’t give a damn and wasted my emotions, my feelings, my love for nothing.

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