Whisper in the dark,
reaching for your heart,
feel the warmth surround me,
as you envelopes my arms
Nuzzle my neck,
feel my pulse against your lips,
find the rhythm of my chest,
let it echo in your head
Come a little closer,
feel my back arch against your touch,
feel you against my body,
sending shivers to shock my heart
Whisper in my ear,
eyes closed you’re all I hear,
say what you want, do what you will,
make me forget every worry,
you’re all I feel
Find the ache that’s calling out your name,
a little closer, we’ve found our embrace,
search in every corner,
find the treasure let it rest
Look a little deeper,
keep going, you’re nearly there.
This journey is just beginning,
you have me, all of me,
take it all and keep it dear
The morning has come,
we’ve found our path,
it’s time to get moving,
the day has begun.
with warmth on my lips,
my heart lingers and steams
yet the longing is deep
an endless flight
will take you over
to the other side.
a yearning deep within,
I wouldn’t dare to know it
without it set free
Well, not really this girl. I think they are overpriced and lot of people being are screwed over in getting its real worth. Lots of us have heard about Blood Diamonds in Africa (mainly due to Pop Culture and courtesy of the likes of James Bond and the other name sake movie featuring Leonardo Di Caprio). But, let’s not forget that Sri Lanka has it’s own great source of diamonds and precious to semi-precious gems in the great town of Ratnapura. And let’s also think about the men and (sometimes) women who spend ages knee/thigh deep in mud and water (trenches) maddeningly going through them to see if they can find at least one precious gem to sell off (and hopefully buy food for his/her family and children). And in this process, let’s not forget that they will get screwed by the brokers or the buyers as they hustle for a low price (so that they can sell it off for hundreds and thousands of Rupees) but the poor gem miner gets just a bit here and there. Maybe I AM a little prejudiced and I AM considering the worst case scenario (and I’m sure there are lots of people NOT being screwed), but I’m just thinking of those who are getting screwed and I frankly do not want to be the recipient of a gem or diamond that could have had such a thing intertwined with its origins (regardless of whether it came from the ground, the drama along with it can be bad luck).
Regardless, I’m not a huge fan of precious gems, though they ARE pretty, and because the world loves them I came across this bit of information and wanted to share it with you all.
Types of Diamond Shapes & Cuts
Information about Diamonds
Information courtesy of James Allen.
Please remember to always ask for Conflict Free Diamonds.
- Once all the ingredients are ready, that is, you’ve washed and boiled your prawn and its all clean and tidy, get a bowl out, just add some butter (I prefer Canola, purely for the heart and it’s healthy), and leave it there
- Boil your egg (or eggs). Some like it hard boiled, but I kinda like it not so hard (boiled), so that when I dice it up, there’s a natural sauce for the salad, and I don’t need to add anything else (apart maybe from a dash of lime juice or butter(of course Canola).
- Steam your broccoli. If you don’t want to over steam your broccoli, what you can do is use your microwave. After washing your broccoli, place it in a microwaveable dish, in go the broccoli florets, then a spoon of water, cover it with cellophane, and into the microwave, for 3 minutes on high.
- Once you have everything ready, cut the broccoli into bite size pieces, and thinly slice your egg(s), and add everything to the bowl with the prawns. Add some salt, pepper and dash of lime for taste, get your fork out and start munching.
A healthy, light meal, for your Happy Tummy A La Maya (that’s me) 🙂 Enjoy!
I own a Compaq 610 (dubbed Podi Maya) and I have had it for about less than 2 years. It’s been reliable so far, since the demise of my earlier laptop, Panik, I have solely relied on it to be my source of EVERYTHING. BUT, as of late, I have found out that the battery has gone kaput. Well, I realised that the battery had gone kaput about 6-9 months ago, because when I remove the cable, it only would stay ‘alive’ for 30 minutes and it would die. Before this started happening, it stayed on for 3 hours, which made me quite happy. It’s a good laptop, and for the price that I got it for, it was a deal ($750).
My only issue is that, due to the battery issues, the laptop is no more a laptop and is quite plugged in (to the matrix? Sorry I had to put that there). A new battery would cost a good 20k(LKR). When the power cable went bust and a new one cost me 16k (LKR). What I was wondering, was whether this is a model issue or just a HP issue (cos I had the same thing with my earlier HP laptop). Also had the cable to the earlier HP Laptop go bust, and then the battery. Or is it that the fluctuations in Electricity available in Sri Lanka is so unstable, due to the unforeseen power outages that it makes my electrical appliances go bust. I do have a trip switch which goes off at times like those, but are there sneaky attempts that go unseen? Also, the fact that I use so many multi plugs and extendable power cords to reach my desk, could that be it? I don’t know. I need a working laptop and I don’t want electricity playing havoc on my babies 😦
All I know is that all my work goes bust when the lights go off and sometimes I get the Autosaves and sometimes I don’t. I just got in trouble because I had sent the wrong copy of a document I had corrected but it hadn’t saved when the power went bust, and I thinking it was the right one, cos I ‘thought; I saved it, sent it right away. Darn.
Yeah, I think I should either scrounge up the cash for a new battery or even a new laptop. (Sad)
Sometimes when you look back in anger,
in between the mist of your emote eyes,
you see clarity and then you know
that you can let go, of everything that you are holding on to
with that tight rope, that is burning into your skin,
the one that will leave a mark on you and remind you of the pain within
so let go, “it’s okay” a magical voice may whisper into your lobes,
there is nothing that could have been done and fate might be to blame,
but letting go of one’s anger does not mean the build of another!
don’t blame fate too much for this either!
remember the good that it brought
remember the good that you now know
seize the day, let the rope fall down
and climb back on to that step and look around!
clarity without bias is a gift that you must will to be
and once it’s yours, hold that will close and breathe…
Situations present themselves to you, and sometimes the truth hurts, and even the situations. But, you need to see the good in those situations for those who are loyal to you in the midst of the evil that calls out to you to join The Sith. Be thankful that your Anakin didn’t cross over to the Darkside but stayed with your Padma, and pity Count Dooku who festers on the people’s fears and entices them to join him in his trysts. I’m frankly thankful that my Padma has her Anakin and he had the courage to say ‘NO’ to Count Dooku and stand strong by her side. I feel sorry for you, but I’m not petty enough to not friend you. So I will. And here I am, with clarity.
Yes, clarity, poetry and Star Wars at 6:00am brings you a post such as this.
Okay, so you know what’s yummy? What I just had for lunch, that’s what! I didn’t want to eat the same old rice and curry, so I thought I’d make something from whatever I had at home.
What I found that appealed to me in my pantry/kitchen was a can of tuna (which had sunflower oil), a bunch of parsley I had in the freezer (keeping the parsley in the freezer helps it stay ‘fresh’, by that I mean, avoid it getting wilted), tomatoes and bread. Those being the ingredients, all I needed to make what I was making (Tuna,Tomato & Parsley on Toast aka TTPT Sandwich, yes I made that up 😀) was a frying pan, a bowl, 2 spoons and some butter (I prefer Canola – healthy and all).
So, yeah I first got the tuna out of the can and into the bowl. Then washed the parsley well, chopped them into little teeny weeny pieces and put it into the tuna bowl. I then did the same thing to the tomato as well. I made toast out of the bread and then I put the filling in between the toast and THEN voila, TTPT Sandwich on the plate, and a few bites later, in my tummy, happy and warm!
If you want a quick and healthy meal that can be made in 5-10 mins, this what you can make. If you aren’t a fan of tomato, like my fiance is, then you can opt for a bit of lime for the same effect. I wouldn’t opt out of the parsley, but if you don’t have it, then you can try a salad leaf or even a slice of cheese. Still healthy.
I think I might do this more often, the cooking and blogging thing. Sorry I didn’t take any pictures, I was famished. And I hope I haven’t bored you with this, but hey, HAPPY EATING or as the Italians say, Mangiare Bene!
Standing, along a blue wall, that’s speckled with water bubbles patiently fighting to burst out through the plaster beneath the cool shade, there we stand face to face, looking through each other as we were mere ethereal personas, standing still against time. And I stand there looking at the wonder of those brown bright orbs that mirrors your emotion and mine combined yet each with a story to tell but one that will not be spoken yet transcended through vibes and aura so strong that it sets my hair on end. Holding me close, noses touching one another, we stare right through the galaxies of our corneas. Eye lash grazing, sending tingles down my being, shocking the caverns and their beasts who are now awakened and fumbling towards the light. Your lips tremble as mine does with yearning, its a longing that beats against my heart as loud as a beating drum heard down in tribes far away.
And we meet, like waves crashing against one another, mighty and strong, overflowing as our lips make contact over and over, in unison to the rhythm of the current that sweeps through an open door, as your hot tongue greets mine like an old friend, shaking hands and saying “how do you do, I’ve been expecting you for quite some time and I’m sure glad that you have arrived“. Maybe not friends, but lovers brought from friendship and understanding so strong, that it governs the mighty waves of thought into tsunamis that can break down those very walls I had constructed brick by brick against possible and probably hurt and hate with cynicism as twisted as a tangled braid. But you tore those down, like the Berlin Wall and you made a change, you changed my world.
The lines of my hand met yours as if they knew because fate had etched them on our palms a long time ago and now you and I, we’ve been found. Every graze, every touch sends tingles to every corner of my being, awakening them and as your kisses sends warmth searing through to my heart, I feel jolts of heat pass through you into me and explode into a beauteous array of fireworks only my inner being can pay witness to, and you, yes you are the reason why every inch feels as if its in a caffeine induced coma, one that makes you spring to life against the misery which lies solid, un-moving in a corner. You are the reason, for my being, for constantly moving forward through the blizzard. You are my strength, my heart and soul, you are the spirit that runs through my veins, giving me life. And I, I love you, with every heartstring calling out your name.
I dedicated and gifted this piece of writing to Thar for his birthday, and I have been waiting for the right time to post this online, and I think it’s time. Happy 17 Months, YOU ARE THE BEST PART OF MY LIFE.
He was only a little boy, a darling chubby thing with rosy cheeks that were meant to be squeezed. And how he hated his cheeks being squeezed. All he really wanted was to play with his train set, and imagine he was big and important, but no, here he was, being sat on some grubby old lady’s fat thighs being squuezed every ten minutes while she made faces that could scare a kid his size and age and probably give him nightmares. But no, he wasn’t scared, he was brave, like his Mama always told him to be. But this lady wasn’t like his Mama, and didn’t smell like her either. No the fragrant fruity smell her hair always had, but something musty and quite unbearable come to think of it.
She was his father’s oldest brother’s wife. And she had bad breath. If there was something that he couldn’t handle was smells that were bad and they always gave him a headache, especially when he pictured it doing things to his body. Those fumes going up his nasal canal and up to his brain making it go mushy. Yes, he did have an overactive imagination, but a boy his age, you’d expect it. He tried to get away from the old lady, but he knew that wriggling off him would cause her to latch on to him tighter, like a snake does to his prey. He had seen it on the Discovery Channel.
‘How do I get off of her and into my room, without upsetting anyone‘ he thought to himself.
‘Maybe I could start sneezing on her and excuse myself’, or maybe if I start crying. No, I must not cry, it will only upset Mama. Alright, I’ll try coughing and sneezing on her‘ he finally thought. ‘At-chooo, atchooo, atchooo, atchooo‘ and on went the sneezing fit and before you knew it, he was off her fat thighs and in his Mama’s arms as she checked his temperature.
‘What wrong, sweetheart?‘ she asked but I couldn’t say anything in case I my plan was foiled.
‘Mama I think something funny went up my nose, I can feel it Mama!‘ making sure I let the old Aunt hear what I was saying, just so she could hear all the grimy details of my nose and send her off in a spiraling out of control into a pit of mental imagery. ‘Mama, I’ll go up to my room and wash myself off, and lie in bed, if you don’t mind. I’m awfully sorry, Mama, but I don’t feel well enough to be here, something is making me sneeze… atchooo‘ he said while sneezing for effect.
‘Oh of course, my dear. Just run along, my darling‘.
As he retreated back to base camp, he could hear Mama relaying her apologies to their guests. he was out of harm way or rather the old Aunt’ grubby hands and distasteful odor and back in his room. ‘Aaah Room Sweet Room’ he thought, while he first went to wash his face with cold water and soap, just to get her skin off him. And then, soon enough he was back in his room with his train set, diving right in, and thinking about traversing the land on a fast train jetting of to every corner of the land. While he daydreamed, he stepped right into nap and was fast asleep with his dreams of trains and travels.
I don’t really know why I wrote this. I decided I needed to write more, at least something small everyday. And this is what my fingers were told to type. Oh brain, you silly old fool.
What is life but what seems to be an endless story that falls over itself in cascades and into tiers, and as a tier approaches, you age. You eat, you sleep and you dream in between the nights and days, from dusk to dawn. But do most of us really put thought into our lives, or do we merely ‘go with the flow’? Do we continue like robots, being programmed on a machine line or back in a secret lab no one is supposed to know about. If we’re the latter, well we must know that we are important and different, and if we are different how are we different. William Shakespeare said “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life, Is rounded with a sleep”. What I think he means is that we have our bubbles and we are safe in them and rarely move out of our comfort zones.
Do we live our lives like its meant to be your last, or do we just procrastinate and expect to wake up the next day and with new opportunities sprouting like ripe tomatoes growing in your back yard, filled with vegetation (if you didn’t procrastinate to water them, or lest make sure the sprinklers came on time – having programmed that too). What I meant to say is, do we go about like we’re living a dream and that we’ll live forever, or as one of my favourite quotes by James Dean goes, do you “dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today”. Because to me, the latter is what gives me the strength. I dream, and I live. Passionately. I’m happy when I’m happy, I’m angry when I’m angry. It may seem a little black and white when I put it like that, but to me, that’s me feeling, and when I am overcome by this drive that powers me, I can’t feel anything else but that pure adrenaline that keeps me going. Do I at times deter and deflect, when ailment and misfortunes come my way, I do. I am only human, and I have to let nourishment and time mend the bridges of whatever I am referring to and move on with life. The same life that I said I live passionately. I don’t take my life for granted. I don’t take opportunities given to me for granted, I take everything that comes my way with a skip. But that doesn’t mean I trip. Life dishes out the good and the bad, and the bad never comes knocking. And doing a balancing act is quite tough too, when you are trying to live your life to the fullest, because you also need to prioritise to manage your time.
Then, there’s love, and there’s friendship. When it comes to love, there are so many highs and with emotions and passion there will be puddles and there will be bumps on the road. But life comes with a ying and a yang, with love is the opposite with evil and the ugly side of life, just staring you down, making you quiver in a corner. It’s okay to be afraid, but it’s important to also stand up once you recover from it and find your bearing. Aldous Huxley said “Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you” so when life beats you down, just get back up and move on. And friendship comes in many sizes and shapes, and forms. It could be genuine and it would false, be aware of who your real friends are. If you are a nice person, don’t let the false friend turn you over to the dark side, come out the winner and don’t let them have their laugh. People will talk, people will judge, people will never attempt to see more that what they want to see, because they are limited, they are restricted, they are afraid to sometimes see that you may have something that they do not have, that they couldn’t possibly have and they might have insecurities of their own and that’s where they start pointing fingers and saying things about you which you do not deserve and they know you do not deserve. You have something they want and do not have, and in today’s age it’s easier to criticise and not praise when one finds themselves in such predicaments. It’s a sad affair, but sometimes nothing can be done.
If you come across such situations, its easier to shrug it off and be the bigger person. Sure it’s hurtful, but life was never supposed to be easy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. You can be aware of these things, but don’t let it take over your life. “Don’t worry, be happy” may be the biggest cliché in the book, but there’s truth in those words. The Dalai Lama said that the purpose of life is to be happy, and I agree. Shrug those worries off, and if you can’t, write them off, quite literally. Pour out your feelings into pen and paper, or on a Word processor and be done with them. I just did, and I feel better already.
Soft supple like a new babe’s bottom
the contours of your waist feels to my touch.
No sharp angle, no jutting sword
that springs out at you while you duel and jaunt
Round and shapely like a graceful pear
the curves of your hips call out to me in sight.
No box of secret, just a woman’s tale that wish-washes
when she walks seducing my eyes and the coils of my soul.
Strong and mighty like am amazon princesses,
the swift moves of your legs mesmerise the inner sanctum of my mind
No stilts of wood, just flesh and glory
that makes a manhood jolt as heels add to the magnificence of these two combined.
A marvel of the true world, a figure of 8,
the epitome of an hourglass slinking through time
to capture a life worth living, knowing and savouring
like expensive wine of a distinguished time.
Driving endlessly toward the target,
twenty-thirty minutes due north,
in a blinded sea of fog without a purpose,
just a location set on course to a place where we must get to or else fate will have no mercy.
You were destined to be there,
destined to have gotten into that car,
destined to know those very things to say,
destined to know which buttons to push.
Co-ordinates set and ready to go,
the road was marred with potholes,
scars of tales of survival for those who secretly passed down words of wisdom
and to the longing of those who wished to tread this path least trodden.
And now you are on your way passing those very Sequoia trees,
mansions of natures telling tales of centuries past,
secrets of success or sorrow,
but nevertheless wisdom and knowledge that many do seek.
Whilst you journey
in your comfortable cocoon of air condition,
you will find yourself at a destination once unknown to you.
One travelled a mile too many to count.
A worthy destination,
a locale close to your heart,
one that will change your life,
And when you arrive your past will realise,
that lessons learnt was that of a life lived
with a purpose to an unnamed destination
that has now a label with your initials and a surname to match yours.
You have arrived,
your legacy has been made in those very potholes,
in the road taken, in the glory of the vessel,
in the black box of your passage through time.
and you answered its call,
dutifully and naturally you conquered
and now its time to move on.
Life is a journey. That’s all I can say.
Looking up what to do you see on a clear midnight blue sky? Where the yellow moon blazes against the darkness; whilst it shines on you stare on, your eyes glazing over without blinking not even for a moment?
Do you see the millions of stars, that sparkle like gold, glitter, and blink at you like beautiful bright eyes, and as you take it all in? Do you see yourself lost in this endless dark pool that envelopes you from within?
As you breathe, do you feel it on the back of your spine the thought of who might be looking up above with you yet a million miles away sharing the same thought as you did?
Who in a million, billion, and trillion miles could it be? Who could capture the same thought, the same memory and make it theirs, yours, ours and wonder what you might be wondering, feeling what you are now feeling?
Then in a fleeting glance, a blink of an eye, that thought is gone but only to be replaced by another so powerful. One with that yearning to meet this other person, who may or might not be your twin in thought and mind.
Someone who is lonely or someone who loves a full moon night, one without the clouds to hide its beauteous sight. Someone who is clearly different from the rest, one that will stop and admire what doesn’t tickle the rest.
With hope in your heart, and love fleeing in your eyes, hoping you’ll find someone to share the woe in your heart. Hoping to make something beautiful shine with all its might, like the orb above.
Her broken heart with yours, to make one that is new, one that is whole, one that will change the world and make it glow, incandescently, like the moon that stares you at you now, above like a guardian wishing you well.
Dedicate to T, you’re that rare yellow orb against my midnight sky, and in you I find, home.
Oh it’s that time again, when I’ve been rendered an invalid (well this time for a shorter period). I have pulled ligaments in my foot. What is it with me and ligaments? They sure don’t like me. First I broke my ACL, now I’ve pulled my foot’s ligaments. Oh Murphy. You such are a bastard, you know that?
Sigh, this is what happened. I have a black kitten, called Kahlua (I named him this cos of the fact that my last black cat was named Cognac, and I wanted to have a set of alcohol-named black cats. So anyways, this Kahlua bites. He does it with love (I hope he does), but he does bite and they sting especially when he goes for your ankles and the soft skin that trace over your veins and such.
He lunged at me to bite my ankle, I jumped back. when I came crashing down on the ground, my left foot had turned and I came crashing down on the foot sideways, with all my weight on it and I heard the insides of my foot go “screeeeccchh”. Pain, searing pain was all I felt. I was home alone, except for the cat who circled me. I felt like prey. But it didn’t bite me, maybe it sensed my pain. Nevertheless, I couldn’t get up, and I couldn’t get to my phone, so I did what I was supposed to do. First aid! I crawled on my belly to the kitchen, used my strength to hoist myself up to the freezer, grabbed the ice trays and I came down again, and I started slamming the trays downwards to unlodge the ice cubes from the tray. I placed on ice cub on the quickly-swelling-foot and then looked around for a bag. Thankfully, there was a bag around. I put more ice into the bag and applied the bag on the swollen left foot. I hopped on my good leg to the sofa and lay there with a bag on my foot for an hour. That’s when my foot felt better so I hopped around to find my phone and a bandage and then I started making calls and tweeting incessantly about the pain.
I tried to ride the wave of pain out, but 3 hours later, the pain magnified. It was time to go to the doctor. And painfully (alone), I made my way down the stairs, and waited for Tharindu’s driver to come take me to the hospital, hobbled in and hobbled out, every step as painful (or more) than the last. Got to the of Park Hospital, a lovely smiling Dr. Yapa greeted me and he poked, I yelped, and so he told me, your ankle is fine, however the arch of your foot, not so much. You’ve bent it inwards with the fall and you’ve pulled your ligaments throughout. Sigh. He had an attendant (also smiling) apply this numbing gel, which didn’t numb me at all. I think I have tolerance to all these things. And then prescribed me lots of painkillers and a gel to apply, and we had another chat about this other medical worry I had and sent me off. I thanked him profusely. And I wobbled to the pharmacy and off home.
No one at home again, so I hobbled upstairs and got into bed. I had to eat to take the meds. All “after meals” meds, they were. So I made an egg sandwich, hobbling on my good foot, wincing in pain when a wrong move sent searing red-hot pain down to my nerve endings and giving me a headache. So I ate it in silence, and then hobbled to bed, took my medication, wondered who taught the nurse at Park Hospital to bandage dress patients cos it wasnt right. Waited for the meds to kick in. It took my tummy 3 hours. 3 hours I waited for the bloody meds to kick in. After that I was drugged and glorious. Euphoric about the diminished pain and I went off to dream about two people that I rather not discuss. All I can say is my mind is very very weird.
That is all.
Also, watch where you go. And remember that you are NOT a cat and you don’t always land (correctly) on all fours(or twos). Sigh.
So today, I had a rather bad migraine, and I was working and when I was “working” I stumbled upon this dear dear site which had a beautiful picture of something rather delicious. Now, as of late my stomach and I have allied ourselves together against a greater force, which is really my body, and we are at war. One wants to diet, while the other wants to eat, eat and EAT. We eat to live, right? RIGHT! Anyways, this rather delicious piece caught my eye and I thought I’d share the image and the recipe (which was there as well), with you guys.
3 cups cream
1 package (1/4 ounce) unflavored gelatin
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup sugar
1. Put 1 cup cream in a medium saucepan and sprinkle gelatin over it; let sit for 5 minutes. Turn heat to low and cook, stirring, until gelatin dissolves completely.
2. Add remaining cream and sugar to gelatin mixture and heat gently, just until sugar dissolves; add vanilla.
3. Pour mixture into 4 large or 6 small custard cups. Chill until set, about 4 hours. Serve in cups, or dip cups in hot water for about 10 seconds, then invert onto plates. Serve within 24 hours.
*By the way, for our topping we used warmed strawberry jam sprinkled with pomegranate seeds….so easy and really delicious!
Life gives you many presents. Sometimes, those presents could include the new BB you’ve been eyeing, or the lovely stripper shoes that you’ve craving for or even socks. Now, despite not really wanting/appreciating what life gave you, you should accept those socks graciously and don them because you’ve just made your feet quite deliriously happy. One person coals, is a another mans gold!
There are days that all I want to do is work, work, and work some more, because frankly, all I really want to do is be busy, and stay busy and not really deal with the woes of my mind, my heart (well maybe not my heart, because it’s a party and then some with my Thar), and surroundings. The surrounding woes my mind, and that brings me down, like a house of cards. Today wasn’t such a day, and my mind is constantly being weighed down by all the thoughts that run through my head, where I have come to point I can’t speak. I simply cannot put a sentence together, because the voices in my head (I have 7 and they have names – Pav (the dominant personality), Portia, Piper, Page, Penelope, Prudence and Phoebe) are always speaking to each other, either ranting, conversing or simply consoling (which seem to be occurring more and more as of late). Anyways, whatever it is, it has affected me to the point where I zip and go on lock-down, and if I am in company, all I can do is listen (pretend or try extremely hard to listen (because let’s face it, when you’re listening to 7 voices in your head, do you really thing and 8th or even 9th voice coming through my ear drums will get past? I didn’t think so!)). I spaced out a few times during social gatherings and this is normally with my Thar’s friends because it normally happens in the nights. At most of the time, I really do try to listen but like I said, as of late, something has taken over me and I just can’t seem to figure out why it’s affecting my vocal cords, my thinking processes and why when I do open my mouth to say something, a)my speech dyslexia makes a comeback b)my pronunciation ends up being butchered and c) my vocabulary has gone on hiatus. It’s not pretty and I don’t enjoy it, because I am at times a perfectionist (and stubborn to boot) and when things don’t go my way or something hasn’t been done in the proper way, I sometimes get royally annoyed (even if it is with myself – yes, I am too hard on myself, but do people ever learn unless they are hard on themselves?).
They say that life is hard, but how hard is it to live inside this home, no one apart from the very people who live here will truly know.
There is never a day that goes by without voices being raised, people getting hurt and dreams being shredded into little pieces. First by hands, then put into a shredder and then stabbed with an ice pick. Yes, my dreams have gone through that. They lie in minuscule pieces on the floor and I look upon them with grief.
They say that families are supposed to take care of you, and I suppose they do. But that care always comes at a cost and that is when a certain individual flips, a monster makes an entrance, we get flamed and scorched good. Crispy, if you will.
It is at times like these that I want to run away from home, but I can’t because I’d be leaving behind people I can’t really take with me. And that makes me want to cry and cry and cry. Crying never solves anything, but at least the agony that my heart feels right now, would dissolve into the salty water and the weight of these problems will ease, at least a little. But I sometimes think, does it really? I don’t think so, but at least I can pretend that it will.
Nothing is ever good enough, and we are never good enough. No matter what is said and done, things never get resolved and we just continue in this cycle of life and hate.
Let’s say that my life is 90% Misery and 10% where I’m trying to maintain my sanity when I live under this roof, and I preoccupy myself by hiding behind text books and my faithful laptop. When I’m not within the confines of these walls, I’m 90% deliriously happy and 10% carefree! I might sound like a bitch for saying this, but without my closest friends, I don’t think I could survive this long in this crazy so called ‘Home’. Because this isn’t a home, it’s my own personal prison, and the mother is the Prison Warden. With constant threats, never knowing what tomorrow might bring, the only solace I know is that the people who I have found my peace with will still be around when dawn breaks. For that I’m thankful.
…. since I’ve been down this road. I was having a chat with Teddy, when it suddenly hit me what today was.
A year ago to this day, I remember I cut my hair short, a page-boy bob. After growing out my hair to a length never achieved before, I cut it, because the reminders that the hair had for me were too many. And after months of letting it be, it was gone. I knew I missed in that moment, I knew I longed to feel it between my fingers, I longed to play with it again and be able to smell that fruity scent I was so familiar with it. And more than the memories, I knew I had been rash and hasty, and done away my hair and not dealing with the person at hand. I was never the confrontational person, at least till now.
I remember why I cut it and I remember the tears I cried that same morning (for different and more horrible reasons), when I hastily made my way to the salon. “I want it gone” I told them and silently to myself “…like all those bad memories.“
I remember, and yet it feels so long ago. The months that followed afterward were just as tearful, just as painful as that day that I cut my hair, only one year ago.
Oh, but it’s over now and my hair has grown back. Not to its former glory, but it’s getting there. And in that time, I must say, its been a roller-coaster of ups and down.
The last six months have been wonderful. Hell, despite the torture I endured I’ve learnt some great things, like the following;
I’m working now, and I love the company and industry I’m in. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I had been trying to get in ever since I graduated. But when I finally got it, lots of of people were apprehensive about how long my career development euphoria will last.
This company has been known to stretch their employees thinly and most of them have crashed and burned in the past, and I suppose now, I can see why. The management trainee programme is quite grueling. There are 16 of us, all sorts of shapes, faces ans sizes. Our “first day” was a grueling out bound training and since then it’s been a roller coaster ride which i’ve gone about with a huge grin on my face.
Well, at least until all these assignments came up.
Apart from the homework and weekly reports and the examinations we’ve had to sit for throughout the last 4 months, we’ve now been handed research projects and what-nots. The what -nots are challenges as well as work based process improvements. Now, the thing is with over 4 hours on the road, it’s quite, how can I put it, tiring, frustrating and nerve-wrecking. I’m forever reminding myself of how I wanted to be here in the first place and now that I’m here to make it count. Don’t get me wrong, it’s this documentation issue that’s the problem, I love the work in itself. I had a plan when I started out like I always do, and I am gritting my teeth and dealing with it, but it’s tiring you know.
I guess we all come to a point when we chose the hard road to get to where we want to be. I guess this is the little sacrifice we make. The sleep, the time we would spend socialising, the bonds we hold, those get frayed in this process. What I’m trying to come at is how ambitious are you and how far would you go to get ahead in your career. Because, come to think of it, that is what we are striving for right? Ambition rules us most of the time. And, boy am I ambitious.
But, the thing is as a girl, there are so many other responsibilities you need to uphold. Like keeping in touch with your family, the helping out with the chores such as cooking and cleaning and generally being the perfect daughter. But right about now, I don’t have the capacity nor the energy to hold it altogether, I suppose that’s why my health keeps breaking down.
I just hope I find the balance to make this work, because the clock is ticking and I don’t want to be late.
What about you, guys? What would you do for your career and ambition?
Ever been kept awake by annoying nuisance callers, or do you get bombed texts from idiots cos they think it’s fun to bully someone by continuously being a pain.
Never fear, for Dialog GSM has a solution, with the Call Block and SMS Block feature.
– CALL BLOCK
Is it wrong to want to be assertive, to stop people walking all over me and leaving me a mess on the floor? I don’t think so.
Last year taught me many things; one was that if someone in your life takes what you are and turns you into something that makes you doubt yourself, then that said person isn’t worth the trouble nor the effort. If they continuously blame you for their misgivings, and how they can’t overcome their own issues but would rather point fingers into your direction and tear into who you are, then it’s definitely not worth it. I learnt it the hard way, and I learnt it good.
Last year I said goodbye to many people, two friends who are now in heaven and some who still walk the earth. The latter I had to bid them goodbye because it was harder and harder to have conversations with them, let alone get a word in sideways. So I let go, I cut ties and I moved on. Some I didn’t give fair warning but merely a few words that said ‘I can’t handle this‘ and some I just chose the ‘ignorance is bliss‘ route. Does that make me a bad person to for at least once in my life crave some self-preservation, then so be it.
Last year, I chose myself, and frankly I’m not really sorry. But having said that, I should also give thanks for those who were part of my life and leading me into who I am now, otherwise I wouldn’t have learnt so many lessons in life. Without them I don’t think I would have been pushed to say “No, no more, this has to stop“. Do I miss the people who I let go? Maybe a little. I suppose I miss the good times, but when the sour surpasses the sweet, I’d rather turn away than experience the bitterness of what I went through. But thank you, for making me not want to reach out more than I used to. I now know that kindness isn’t always something that people take too kindly to as some resort to abuse it and take it for granted and is often misunderstood for its intentions. With that experience I drew closer to the people who supported me without wanting to slit my wrists, and I’m happy, with the little piece of mind I have. Isn’t that what people anyway want, a little piece of mind. It’s not too much to ask for is it?
Last year, is so … yesteryear and I’m looking for the eerie silence after a tyrannous storm.
This is me, and it gets awkward and sad sometimes. Hug back please. Cos, everyone wants to be hugged despite the awkwardness, like the Free Hug in Sondrio, Italy.