Amongst the Thorns, She Fights!

One of those days

There are days that all I want to do is work, work, and work some more, because frankly, all I really want to do is be busy, and stay busy and not really deal with the woes of my mind, my heart (well maybe not my heart, because it’s a party and then some with my Thar), and surroundings. The surrounding woes my mind, and that brings me down, like a house of cards. Today wasn’t such a day, and my mind is constantly being weighed down by all the thoughts that run through my head, where I have come to point I can’t speak. I simply cannot put a sentence together, because the voices in my head (I have 7 and they have names – Pav (the dominant personality), Portia, Piper, Page, Penelope, Prudence and Phoebe) are always speaking to each other, either ranting, conversing or simply consoling (which seem to be occurring more and more as of late).  Anyways, whatever it is, it has affected me to the point where I zip and go on lock-down, and if I am in company, all I can do is listen (pretend or try extremely hard to listen (because let’s face it, when you’re listening to 7 voices in your head, do you really thing and 8th or even 9th voice coming through my ear drums will get past? I didn’t think so!)). I spaced out a few times during social gatherings and this is normally with my Thar’s friends because it normally happens in the nights. At most of the time, I really do try to listen but like I said, as of late, something has taken over me and I just can’t seem to figure out why it’s affecting my vocal cords, my thinking processes and why when I do open my mouth to say something, a)my speech dyslexia makes a comeback b)my pronunciation ends up being butchered and c) my vocabulary has gone on hiatus. It’s not pretty and I don’t enjoy it, because I am at times a perfectionist (and stubborn to boot) and when things don’t go my way or something hasn’t been done in the proper way, I sometimes get royally annoyed (even if it is with myself – yes, I am too hard on myself, but do people ever learn unless they are hard on themselves?).

 

Today, I just wanted one thing, and that was to be hugged by the man I love and be with him, every moment that I was awake, but sadly, he wasn’t around (he was in Galle, working ) and couldn’t be reached either (it would be rude to call and be needy, wouldn’t it?) save for some  texts and a few tweets here and there (bless his soul). I hate living here, I know it’s a horrible thing to say, but this house (it’s not a home) is my prison and it’s got its traits too (the bars on the windows and even the balcony and hello, have you met the prison warden and the sleazy prison guard?) It’s just too much to take and everything has gotten to me. I am sick (emotionally and physically – I pulled my back muscle) and all I want to do is escape. Find those wings and just soar, but I have to wait, I have to patient (didn’t anyone get the memo? Not the most patient pea in the pod!) and grit and bare it (but for how long?).

My job(s) keeps me satiated in terms of being busy, the best-thing-to-happen-to-me a.k.a.  my Thar, a.k.a. “The Love of My Life” who keeps me loved, happy and a smiling fool all day long, the few close friends I have (keep me feeling loved) and my twitter mates & SNUGites (who eternally keep me amused), they really get me through the day. Of course I do bitch and moan, that I don’t have time for anything else other than work, which is true, because I haven’t seen my close friends for a while (but thank DARPA for the interwebs, because if not for it I don’t know what I’d do) . And yes, that is another problem that has whizzed around in my head.  I think it’s number #4 on my list (I enjoy making lists), and that I don’t read or watch any TV could be the reasons why my vocabulary is quite stunted (because seriously, all I do is talk to my Thar (I not complaining, I love talking to him), my clients if I need to make a few calls and then the voices in my head (and they have their own lightning fast talking speed, so there is never a time that I learn something new). At one point I wondered what my voice sounded like, but yeah with the gibberish that mostly comes out of it, I have been enlightened in the ways of my voice(?). Anyways, off the deep end I seem to have jumped.

However, in the midst of all the work I do for the company I work for, and the freelance web design thing I look into, and my studies (which will have to be postponed, because the Department of Examinations has yet to send me a letter so I can take it with me to the exam hall), and my future ventures and plans, I am pretty busy. And whatever little time I have, I mark that space for my Thar, because he is my world, quite literally.

Which reminds me of something I came across today;

Girl:     I love you.
Boy:     I love you too baby.
Girl:     Prove it. Scream it to the world.

Boy:     *whispers in her ear* I love you.

Girl:     Why’d you say it to me?
Boy:     Because, you’re my world…

*longful sigh* Yes, I am a romantic at heart. The days of being a cold bitch and turning away my head to softness is long gone. I blame my Thar for this. I do, I do! *sigh* I do… 🙂

I’m glad I got around to writing a blog post today (been neglecting it haven’t I?), at the rate that I’ve written for work, I thought this might be a bit of problem – writer’s block and all. But, I’m glad that’s not the case. Which brings me to the reason I came across this chunk of time. A) I pulled my back muscle and I’m in pain. B) I’m a wee bit down because I haven’t had a vacation in a while and the fact that the Thar’s friends invited me on a trip to the beach, and me having to turn it down due to the parentals really upset me and C) I was just exhausted with all the thinking. I stayed in my pyjamas all day, had wonderful bed hair and then woke up to a fat white cat curled up next to me. I wished it to be Thar, but alas, one isn’t that lucky.

I resumed work right after waking up, tied my hair in bun and wiped the hair out of my face, freshened up, had tea and coffee in that order, stuck a spoonful of Nutella in my mouth and developed a migraine. But did I put aside my work? Nay! Why? Because I’m crazy like that. Typing, blogging and reading ensued and here I am, well into Saturday by 23 minutes and I can’t seem to fall asleep.

I wish I had time to write my book, or even a story. I managed to write a poem a few weeks back (the angst in this family really makes good material to work with). I wish I could document all the crazy things that go in my head and oh the weirdest and freakish dreams I am having. It’s like a cycle of the same thing (lots of pain, betrayal and sometimes sex/rape/murder/death), it’s not the best things to have your dreams/nightmares(?) flash upon you as soon as you wake (and that also in pieces) because for the rest of the day, you are a gloomy mess and all you think about is what happened there? Why am I seeing all this? I wish I could walk up to a psychiatrist or even a dream therapist (if they have those here) and ask them “dude, what up” and lay it all before them, but I don’t have that luxury. Hospitals aren’t for me, and I hope to stay the hell away until I’m in dire need of medical attention (a.k.a. nearing my death at alarming speed). Which reminds me, not sleeping for approximately 10 days might cause death, so to my fellow insomniacs I say, go the fuck to bed (interpret it as you will).

I’m rambling aren’t I? Good! (sorry to the readers though)…

On a final note, I’d like to say I love Katy Perry’s new song Firework (because a) it makes me hopefully, b) it makes me feel good and loved and c) because it makes me cry and in a good comforting way that lets me know that despite everything I’m here, now and I’m going to be going strong for a long time) and Maegan Tintari and her blog(www.lovemaegan.com).

Check out Firework below and seriously listen intently, the lyrics are just awesome (and so relatable).

Oh and some other things that I managed to do;
1. Cook for my Thar for the very first time ( Italian Pasta : Penne with Sausage, Tomato Puree and Cheese) – he gobbled it up (bless his soul)
2. Took small steps to realising a dream
3. Found out that this man is everything I ever wanted (and more), more everyday than the one before – *Knock on wood*
4. Lost 3kg and hopefully will lose some more
5. Found some vintage dresses of my Mom’s from Europe, that I intend on tweaking and wearing.
6. Found solutions for everyday issues, though everything is stressed. This gives me hope, for perseverance.
7. Had wine after years
8. Bought my first big gift for my Thar (for no reason at all)
9. Made a life decision and I’m hoping to stick to it
10. Bonded with my sister (though I easily get pissed at her still – 11 year apart siblings we are)

Anyways, this is me signing out. I have so much to say (yet I can’t or don’t want to say now). Maybe I’ll find the voice to say it one day, and till that day I’ll hope you guys will stick around (you know who you are <3)

One response

  1. Chavie

    Sorry to hear about your parentals giving you trouble again. 😦 But I have to say, I enjoyed reading you rant. How you remain so positive amidst so much hardship is honestly inspiring. A big hug to you and Thar and all the best with the exams and stuff. (hope you get that letter soon!) 🙂

    November 20, 2010 at 8:08 am

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