It’s all very Meh, ya see?
I’m not the world’s best confrontational person, or maybe I am (because some days I’m ready to break down doors and the others not so much, but lest to say I don’t go picking fights). I love that the past has made me the way I am today, but I don’t like getting reminded of the past day in and day out, because well, my past ain’t too great. And when I do get around to reminiscing every tiny bit (because I am OCD like that), I get really torn up about and it takes me a while to let things ease out into normalcy.
Now, along the point that I don’t like confrontation, it’s mainly to do with things that are done and gone and I know they won’t really affect me in the future, but nevertheless they are there in the past, like an ugly burn mark on my skin, that just won’t go away. So, what I do is, when there are things of this sort I just prefer to not deal with it, remove the material that would possibly hurt me. I learnt this from MC last year, that sometimes you don’t HAVE to deal with everything. I mean, I have been trying to do that with my past all along, I DO make it a point to deal with things that are in my present continuous. BUT if a certain that I’ve had to deal with in the past that I’ve dealt with already, resurfaces, like say, I see an old photo, I do go down memory lane and past the good memories and end up with the bad memories (because well, one of the reasons why they are dead and gone to me, would normally be because at some point in time, I had to detach myself from them because it got to a point where I needed to shut the door. People who know me, know that I don’t really detach from people too well).
Anyways, on the point of pictures, I have made it a point to take down the pictures that reminded me of the bad shit in my life and if I come across a picture of it online, then that’s just my stupidity for knowingly walking into a land mine (noh?). When I mean bad shit, it would normally related to a person in question. Like for example, my ex got really ticked off with me when I took the time to remove each and every picture I had of ours on my FB. It was a big deal to him, I however just wanted to wipe all memories of it, because I didn’t wanna see it day in and day out, and reminisce. Yes there were good times, but yet those good memories reminded me of all the bad, and it hurts, too freaking much. So I took it all down, about 600-odd pictures. I have them with me, it’s just not out there for the world to see and to taunt people who are in my life right now. Yeah I don’t put my laundry out there for the world to see, I have my twitter feed (which I rant on, but my FB is pretty clean). You see, I’m not this person who will taunt others with my memories, I’d rather keep them away in my memory (but not out there for the whole world to see), if you wanna know, I will tell you. Till then, it’s basically sunshine and daisies in Rosieland on the FB front. I HAVE spies on it who tells on me to my extended family. NOT GOOD.
Anyways, that’s my account. Now, I’m not the only one with an account noh? So, if I make the mistake (I don’t know WHAT i was thinking ) I get royally minfucked (all brought on by yours truly comes in). I take a walk down memory lane (all in the span of 30 seconds) and then, I’m done. I would have remembered when the picture was taken, the reasons why it was taken, what I felt during that time, what was happening around the time, and then it all just comes back and then I’m lying there thinking “gee, brain nice time to up your recall, you think you could work that hard to help me out with my exams“. And this happens to me quite regularly. Especially on FB, which causes me to have tiny heart-attacks or even have me hitting the panic button so hard that it’s gotten jammed as of late. And I spiral down into this feeling of meh-ness. AND the most confusing part of it all, is that I CAN deal with it, I know I can. I mean I’ve dealt with worse in the past, in person and with so much that I try very hard to do something about it. Yet, it’s always the little things that get to me. I can take what happened to me in my childhood very well, I suppose it’s always the backstabbing friends that I have always found hard to deal with, or even the people who I can’t stand (and I really do mean it when I say I can’t stand people – cos I generally can stand 95% of them).
They say forgive and forget? I forgive alright, I forgive too fucking easily. Do I forget? Even when I try to bury it in 6 feet of concrete, sadly no. I am masochistic at times and Ido go looking (like into the likes of photo albums and then everything related to it, just pours in like the Niagara, and I’m there drowning in my own masochistic massacre). Sigh.
And, look I’m VERY civil to people in real person, even if I hate their guts (5% of everyone I know, maybe). BUT i don’t have to be civil or feel obliged to look at their faces on a social network do I? I know it’s a social network, but society states that we can avoid them like the plaugue if need be, and I need it. I opt to hide their feeds on my home page and up all my privacy settings too. WHY? well because society needs to be tamed, not set loose in my opinion. Fine, so I’ve always had a problem with FB, and I have come so close to leaving it, but I’ve been forbidden to now, which I don’t mind so much, I just don’t like the panic attacks. Cos, I’m masochistic and I’m curious and I want to know the whole picture at all times, despite whether it’s good or bad news. Make sense? It does in my head. BUT its hurts, SO much.
I know I’ve brought this on myself, but the few people who actually know how my minds works, I really can’t help it. I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I’m really glad that I have a few people who know to slap/kick me (not literally) when I get this way, sit me down and tell me, “TAKE THE HIGH ROAD”, “YOU’RE BEING SILLY AGAIN”, and a wee bit of reassuring later I’m alright.
I hate it when i get this cynical and meh-like. Cos I wanna meh at all the above, but still I’m not really meh am I? This is really eating me up and I don’t have the guts to do anything about it.
Anyways, I know this is really disjointed even for my standards, but I really needed to unload this before exams. Manic Week, here I come. Have a good one people and please excuse the above, I needed to somewhat vent/rant.
ETA : I’m okay now. See? 😀 *does the happy panda dance* Thanks to Techboi and Snugglemuffin ❤