Amongst the Thorns, She Fights!

Blue Musings

I don’t know, but for some reason, I’m extremely blue today.

I have no one that’s mine to call my own, a lover, someone who’ll put me to sleep, tell me they love me, so that when I wake up the next day, I’ll rise with a smile, and await their sweet voice.

I have no job to keep me busy, no job security, no income and therefore no freedom, no independence, and ultimately no standing in my family, in society, in myself.

I have my education, but one that is missing a lot. At least I have that.Then again, I don’t believe I’m giving it my all.

My relationship with the family is harried, I really don’t enjoy being confined within these walls, all I want to do is scream and run away. I would if I  could.

I think to be in love, but only that which is unrequited or in this case unknown to the person I seem to be falling for, madly. Such is my luck, ever bare.

I wish, this New Years, that my life would turn around and be better for me, bring me joy, bring me some sort of hope, because day by day, I feel lost, numb, gone. I feel like I’m fading into nothing and no one can stop me, no one can save me, and in turn it scares me. It does, I have never been this scared of anything in my life, and here I am unable to take a step forward because I don’t know what it’ll hold. I want to be safe, reassured and therefore complacent of what is already in my life, but then I look at my life and I see nothing. Nothing that would render it useful, fulfilling, and meaningful.

The only thing that binds me to his life, to some form of happiness is my dear friends, and I am thankful for them. However, they will also be gone in the near future, leaving me as bare  as I feel now, just more completely. I am only being realistic, life is such, but deep down I hope that it will never happen.

And therefore I’m scared. Extremely, inexplicably. I don’t know what I can do about it though. Right now I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of. But eventually, like I have been trying in the last few weeks, I seem to be crawling out of this hole that I’ve fallen into, and I hope by the turn of the year, I will indeed have surfaced onto the crust and bid adieu to the pit that’s honed me for the last few months.

By Mr-Stick

10 responses

  1. you took a piece straight out of my heart here , if had to write this i don’t think it would be much different, except I couldn’t write it anywhere near this well. 🙂

    December 23, 2009 at 9:04 pm

  2. Ahh the pit. Yes, yes.
    Beautifully written, wish I could write this eloquently.

    This might sound funny but keep crawling babe. You’ll be out of it in no time. I’d know and I wouldn’t have been anywhere without my friends too 🙂

    *hugs* 🙂

    December 23, 2009 at 9:17 pm

  3. 🙂

    Hey, I’m sure it’s not that bad. You’ve got plenty of friends who love you and care about you. 🙂

    December 23, 2009 at 10:58 pm

  4. DarkAngelRuki

    WoW!! Boootiful!! and one more thing,ur gonna have the bestest year eva darling! 🙂
    you know we love you ya 🙂 😀

    December 24, 2009 at 8:11 am

  5. Dee

    ditto papare 🙂 maybe u can take this time alone to reflect on who U are… 😀 sometimes in a relationship u tend to not have time to do that..

    December 24, 2009 at 9:35 am

  6. Aww you guys 🙂 *hugs you all rather tightly* PB, you’ll just have to bear with me here 🙂

    December 24, 2009 at 9:50 am

  7. Chavie

    *hugs*

    what Papare said! 🙂

    December 24, 2009 at 10:55 am

  8. black

    beautifully written. i felt EXACTLY the same way last year, but hang in there, cz once this cloud passes things are going to be a-o-k. trust me on this. it WILL get better.
    *hug hug hug*

    December 24, 2009 at 11:15 am

  9. Echo Dili.
    Pavi, I feel u. But u know am here. Cyber technically. 🙂

    HUGS LY!

    December 24, 2009 at 11:47 am

  10. The Womanist

    I know exactly what you mean. I’ve felt like this so many times in the recent past and it’s horrible. But…you know… there are a few people who truly, truly love you and you’ll be surprised to know how happy they make you. Just reach out to them.. they wont mind that.

    And don’t be scared. You will feel better soon, I know 🙂

    *BIG HUG*

    December 24, 2009 at 3:51 pm

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